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2 step children but i want my own child...I need advice
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#1 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 2:44:15 PM(UTC)
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My husband and i fight over his children all the time. They have no manners (he doesn't think so) they are undisciplined (he doesn't think so)...infact even his own parents have told him so and he just doesn't want to hear it, we are wrong. He wants to be their best friend, and that makes me the monster because i am trying to teach these children manners, discipline and a few other things that they should know at their age (how to eat with a knife and fork).

If i bring up any topic regarding his children then we end up in an argument. My husband wants us just to be fun all the time take them to the movies, buy them toys every time we see them etc, etc.

My husband and i talk about having a child of our own. I don't know how to ask the question without sounding stupid or feeling stupid. Will the relationship between my step children and i improve once my husband and i have a child of our own. I am always told because i don't have a child i don't know how to treat children.

Can anybody that has been in the same situation give me advice?
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parent24ed
#2 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 3:02:36 PM(UTC)
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Adding a baby to this tricky family dynamic isn't likely to solve anything, so you are going to have to take a huge step towards your man to resolve this before you fall pregnant. Get some help from someone you trust - a counsellor, a preacher, an older family member, whoever can be objective and help you get talking. So sorry you're going through all this, you sound very frustrated and hurt.
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#3 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 3:44:07 PM(UTC)
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Get out while you can!
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#4 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 4:21:55 PM(UTC)
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Believe me - having a child of your own - will only make matters worse for you!

I was a stepmother to 2 children when I married my now ex husband - I was very resentful of the 2 stepchildren!! We faught about them alot.... we decided to have a child of our own - now I'm a single mother - having a child didn't help our relationship, it was in fact detremental to our marriage.
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#5 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 4:27:08 PM(UTC)
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Come on - I'm sure you knew as you asked it that this is a silly question. Manners are manners -how will your perception change once you're a mother? is your husband implying that you should relax your standards? if even his parents have commented on their grandkids' behaviour then it's clearly not just you ( and grandparents normally think their grandchildren can do no wrong so for them to take this step shows how bad the problem is).

having a child will only intensify your problems with your husband becasue clearly you two have very different ideas about behaviour and discipline. Go see a counsellor
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#6 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 5:11:51 PM(UTC)
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Having a child of your own will not solve the problem. In fact more frustration will be added. Remember, once the child is born the fight starts all over, such as "no this way, or that way because you don't have experience.

The short answer is no. If it is not working now then it most surely won't afterwards.

You're in trouble or better put a catch 22 situation.
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Guest121
#7 Posted : Friday, March 05, 2010 8:59:46 PM(UTC)
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I am the stepfather of two sons. I used to be the strict parent who always complained about the two boy’s behaviour and they got punished a lot, e.g. no TV or no video games for not following rules or listening. This let to arguments between my wife and I, which I could not understand as I thought I was teaching them how to behave. After our child was born I started to realize how strict and completely wrong I was. Now my wife is the strict parent in the house. Having a child of your own does make a difference in how you perceive other children.
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#8 Posted : Saturday, March 06, 2010 11:06:46 AM(UTC)
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Having a baby will not solve this problem. You need to first sort out your marriage before even thinking of having a baby otherwise it will just get worse. We are parents of four and know how much work, love and sacrifice goes into raising children. You and your husband will differ in your approaches to raising the children but you need a strong foundation on whioch to build your family. A strong marriage provides that foundation. A baby will test your marriage not help it
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#9 Posted : Saturday, March 06, 2010 2:01:47 PM(UTC)
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Should I have a baby? NO NO NO!!!!! It will tie you down in the problem forever thereafter. Without the baby you can walk away from it whenever you want without emotional fights about custody, shared visits, maintenance and all the other stuff.
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#10 Posted : Saturday, March 06, 2010 6:35:12 PM(UTC)
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Firstly I have to say - having your own child is an awesome experience - I can remember before we had children that I really did not like little kids - but with your own comes growth, maturity, patience and experience - i.e. you can't offer advice until you have walked the road - got the t-shirt...

secondly, from your mail I deduce this is a second marriage - I have seen within my own family how "every second weekend fathers/mothers" try to over compensate for their children - which ultimately makes things difficult for the current spouse and the ex spouse - rules here are not rules there... what these spouses do not seem to realize is - - - no one likes an undisciplined child, sooner or later in life your child is going to feel the full weight of rejection from peers at school or where ever their social circles are - nobody likes undisciplined children - divorced fathers/ mothers rather try and enforce the same rules your children are subjected to during their "primary care giver time" to "every second weekend time"

Thirdly, and possibly the most difficult, you have to put your feelings aside - these children did not ask to be in the situation they are - you the adults placed them in this situation - by YOUR choices - be big enough to put YOUR wants behind what is best for the children. . .

Yes having a child today seems relatively easy - raising a child in today’s society with good morals, principles and values – is not so easy - but oh so worth the blessing that they are when you get the balance right... if by YOUR choices you are in a second relationship – there is no yours, mine, ours – treat them like you would your own – if you can’t – then you should not be where you are… If you do not have faith and trust in the second partner YOU have chosen – then why are you there – second partner if you can not treat these children as you would your own, then why are you there? Surely you were aware of the baggage that comes with BEFORE you committed to this relationship???

Children do not ask to be here, they do not ask to be placed in the situations they find themselves – we the adults, by our choices put them there – be ADULTS and lead them through to their own adulthood in a manner that leaves them good, productive members of society – not misfits…

People take care when choosing a LIFE PARTNER put a little more thought into it than what you do into choosing your car... PLEASE--- for the sake of our future - our children...
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#12 Posted : Saturday, March 06, 2010 11:53:47 PM(UTC)
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Good advice above...Take it >
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#13 Posted : Sunday, March 07, 2010 10:59:45 AM(UTC)
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My issue is similar but the other way round...I am divorced and it is I who has the child. I tried seeing someone...lovely lady...but whenever I was firm with my son, she would take him away and be 'all nice' to him...his mother and I would have reacted exactly the same way to his behaviour, but this 'lovely lady' would take him when he started to cry and 'make him feel better'. The point is that she undermined what I was trying to do...and in the process she 'secured' his affection...he adores her! I have since broken it off with this lady because of this...my son keeps asking about her. I believe I did the right thing as I believe that I am ultimately accountable for how my son turns out (his mother and I). Do I possibly have this all wrong?
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#14 Posted : Sunday, March 07, 2010 12:57:22 PM(UTC)
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I've never, and still don;t agree with people who say that you're not qualified to comment if you don;t have chldren of your own. I was strict with my nephews as teenager. With my wn children, I tended to be softer because I was ten years older and wiser, but also because I was with them all the time and had the assurance that they would be disciplined.

Perhaps the greatest advantage of being a parent yourself is that you learn to pick which battles to fight (especially when they're teenagers and girls!). But I'm a better parent in my 50s (more a grandparent), and in my 40s was better than in my 30s.

But what's right is right - whether the person offering the opinin is a parent or not! However, sometimes those who are not part of the family can miss nuances in why and ho we overlook things. I tend to be very indulgent with children (also my own when they were small), but I was very strict about moral values and correct behaviour.

The step-relationship is the most difficult on earth; I think people who nter it are very brave. Parents who want to be their children's buddies end up with heartache. The children don't really respect them, and resent not having the stability and assurance that a parent and father provides. Buddydom seldom outlasts he teenage years.
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#15 Posted : Monday, March 08, 2010 9:02:57 AM(UTC)
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by this time you have hopefully ended the relationship and moved on. a child only brings tension and tiredness. PLEASE do not have children with him. children do not fix problems !!!!!!!!!!!!
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#16 Posted : Monday, March 08, 2010 9:12:38 AM(UTC)
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My mother and father got divorced when I was 7 years old. I stayed with my mother in KZN and visited my father twice a year in Pretoria. My stepmother had 2 children from her previous marriage (we are the same age). With every visit I was treated differently from her children. I was repeatedly asked to behave in a certain way (but her children were allowed to do as they pleased). When I achieved my natal school colours in hockey& honours clothes for academics, she always played it down with saying: “her school’s standard is not so high/ not many children playing hockey in natal etc etc”. When I was 19 they got divorced…

My point is: I am 30 year’s old, successful and just got my PhD, BUT, I am still suffering from all the emotional pain she has caused me. PLEASE DO NOT get married to a single father/ mother if you cannot accept his/ her children!!!!
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#11 Posted : Monday, March 08, 2010 1:20:06 PM(UTC)
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Guest wrote:
Firstly I have to say - having your own child is an awesome experience - I can remember before we had children that I really did not like little kids - but with your own comes growth, maturity, patience and experience - i.e. you can't offer advice until you have walked the road - got the t-shirt...

secondly, from your mail I deduce this is a second marriage - I have seen within my own family how "every second weekend fathers/mothers" try to over compensate for their children - which ultimately makes things difficult for the current spouse and the ex spouse - rules here are not rules there... what these spouses do not seem to realize is - - - no one likes an undisciplined child, sooner or later in life your child is going to feel the full weight of rejection from peers at school or where ever their social circles are - nobody likes undisciplined children - divorced fathers/ mothers rather try and enforce the same rules your children are subjected to during their "primary care giver time" to "every second weekend time"

Thirdly, and possibly the most difficult, you have to put your feelings aside - these children did not ask to be in the situation they are - you the adults placed them in this situation - by YOUR choices - be big enough to put YOUR wants behind what is best for the children. . .

Yes having a child today seems relatively easy - raising a child in today’s society with good morals, principles and values – is not so easy - but oh so worth the blessing that they are when you get the balance right... if by YOUR choices you are in a second relationship – there is no yours, mine, ours – treat them like you would your own – if you can’t – then you should not be where you are… If you do not have faith and trust in the second partner YOU have chosen – then why are you there – second partner if you can not treat these children as you would your own, then why are you there? Surely you were aware of the baggage that comes with BEFORE you committed to this relationship???

Children do not ask to be here, they do not ask to be placed in the situations they find themselves – we the adults, by our choices put them there – be ADULTS and lead them through to their own adulthood in a manner that leaves them good, productive members of society – not misfits…

People take care when choosing a LIFE PARTNER put a little more thought into it than what you do into choosing your car... PLEASE--- for the sake of our future - our children...


Thank you for the adivice but i have to comment on this "divorced fathers/ mothers rather try and enforce the same rules your children are subjected to during their "primary care giver time" to "every second weekend time" - There are NO rules, she can't even control them and will phone their father to talk to them because they are not listening to her so how would you like me to enforce her rules? (NO RULES)

"second partner if you can not treat these children as you would your own, then why are you there? Surely you were aware of the baggage that comes with BEFORE you committed to this relationship??? " I would treat my own children like this. Values, manners and discipline cost nothing... look at the children of today, most of them have no respect for adults, they don't have manners and they are undisciplined... it is their parent fault they are like that because there are NO RULES AND DISCIPLINE IN THEIR LIVES.

I BELIEVE THERE ARE NO PROBLEM CHILDREN ONLY PROBLEM PARENTS... we are suppose to mould our children. They learn from us not us from them. I am teaching these children the values and manners i was taught and i will teach my own children the same values and manners as well.
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kathy
#17 Posted : Tuesday, March 09, 2010 1:17:54 PM(UTC)
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[Hi my husband and I also had (still do)many a fights over his daughter, and to make it worse his parents would interfere. If you and your husband love eachother, you need to come to a compramise. I sat my husband and his daughter down (she was 9 at the stage) (Our baby 6 months). and told them both if they do not want to respect me in my own home then they should visit eachother else where. Your husband should respect your feelings and that he married you to start a new life, yes his children are important to him and so it should be, but his life is with you now. If you want to have a child with him, be very sure he respects you and that his children respects you, but you also have to earn their respect too. Back away from diciplining them and maybe let him spend time with them on his own, spoilt children always treat the person spoiling them badly, my husband is only learning that now. I agree, having a baby doesn't solve your problems can make them worse. In the same breath the baby will also be his and he will love that baby too.

Children especially when your own is the most wonderful experience, but be wise a childs life is not to be taken for granted, they are a lot of work, require a lot of love and attention especially your attention as a mother. A step child although spoilt by others and parents always appreciate stability, remember its not the childrens fault its the one's spoiling them.

Good luck, be sure its what you really want and if your husband is the right person for you. I sympathise with you, other womans children aren't at all easy.
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