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parent24ed
#1 Posted : Friday, June 26, 2009 1:00:55 PM(UTC)
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parent24ed

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Ilze van der Merwe is an educational psychologist in private practice with a passion for families. She is a certified Demartini Method facilitator. Ilze is well-known for her popular parent workshop, How and When to Tell Your Children about the Birds and the Bees as well as Powerful Parent Powerful Child among others. She is a director of Bella Vida in Johannesburg. Visit www.bellavidacentre.co.za for more details. Ilse has two children, aged 20 and 22. Her new book is Easy Answers to Awkward Questions, coauthored with Nikki Bush. Read a review on Parent24.

Click on Add Reply below to ask Ilze a question about children's sexuality, how to explain tricky things to them, and what you can expect as your child develops. Ilze will be on this forum from 6 to 10 July to answer all our birds-and-bees-related questions.
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liliradloff
#2 Posted : Thursday, July 02, 2009 3:30:00 PM(UTC)
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liliradloff

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My three year old niece is very interested in my boobs. In truth she's rather besotted. How do I handle this situation without making her feel weird about it?
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deirdre
#7 Posted : Thursday, July 02, 2009 3:42:26 PM(UTC)
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my almost 4 year old daughter has the same problem with mine too! i don't remember my elder daughter being the same.
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deirdre
#9 Posted : Thursday, July 02, 2009 3:47:11 PM(UTC)
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how best do you explain the birds and the bees to a child? My 5 year old daughter is starting to get more curious about where babies come from and I'm not sure what words to use to explain it. Remember that my younger daughter generally is in earshot most of the time - so it needs to be appropriate for her too.
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monean
#11 Posted : Thursday, July 02, 2009 6:07:33 PM(UTC)
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I'm really struggling to decide when to tell my son about sex etc. Before he goes to school when he is actually still very young, or do I wait a bit longer and risk one of his friends telling him about it. The last thing I want is for him to have a distorted view of sex!
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parent24ed
#13 Posted : Thursday, July 02, 2009 6:59:27 PM(UTC)
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I'm not sure how much I should know or want to know about my son's romantic life (he is 16 soon). Should I just butt out, or is it reasonable to ask him how things are going, how sexually active his friends are and so on? We get on so well, I don't want to alienate him be being too pushy. But I am interested, don't want him to think he can't talk to me if he needs to.
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Ilzevandermerwe
#4 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:23:20 PM(UTC)
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liliradloff wrote:
My three year old niece is very interested in my boobs. In truth she's rather besotted. How do I handle this situation without making her feel weird about it?


It is common for three year olds to like boobs a lot as they are firstly still associating it with the attachment to their moms and secondly all children are sexual beings from birth and they are interested in bodies and sexual parts. If you feel uncomfortable with it put down a boundary such as "private parts are private and my boobs are my private parts. If your niece wants to touch your boobs and you do not like it, say Speak to the hand " I know you want to touch my boobs, but my boobs are mine and I do not want you to touch my boobs". At age 3 children do not touch or look at boobs with sexual desire, rather they are "besotted" because they like the boobs and they do not understand personal boundaries yet.
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Ilzevandermerwe
#5 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:25:17 PM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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liliradloff wrote:
My three year old niece is very interested in my boobs. In truth she's rather besotted. How do I handle this situation without making her feel weird about it?


See my answer above. Your question appeared already
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Ilzevandermerwe
#6 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:28:31 PM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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liliradloff wrote:
My three year old niece is very interested in my boobs. In truth she's rather besotted. How do I handle this situation without making her feel weird about it?


See my answer above. Your question appeared already
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Ilzevandermerwe
#8 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:32:12 PM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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deirdre wrote:
my almost 4 year old daughter has the same problem with mine too! i don't remember my elder daughter being the same.


All our kids are different and they all react and respond in their own unique ways. Not one is right and the other wrong, they are just different. Some kids show more interest in sexuality than others
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Ilzevandermerwe
#10 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:47:22 PM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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deirdre wrote:
how best do you explain the birds and the bees to a child? My 5 year old daughter is starting to get more curious about where babies come from and I'm not sure what words to use to explain it. Remember that my younger daughter generally is in earshot most of the time - so it needs to be appropriate for her too.

I believe all children have the right to know about the birds and bees and by age 6 they should have all basic knowledge, including what sex is and where babies come from. Be concrete and direct with your kids and consider it your privilege to share with them about life. If you do not tell them they will find out from friends or other kids and the information will be incorrect and mostly quite "sensational" and off-putting. Tell your daughter babies come out of their mommy's tummy, The baby grows in the mommy's tummy until it is time for the baby to be born. Concretely tell your kids the two ways that babies come out of the mums tummy: One way is the doctor cuts the mums tummy open and takes the baby out and the other way is the baby comes out of the moms body through an opening in the mom's private parts. It is called the vagina. If your younger child is within earshot the younger one will only take in what interests her and the rest will be lost. Remember children have the right to know. They were there when it all happened and you are not telling them something they do not actually "know". If you are still unsure invest in a good book to assist you in gaining the courage and knowledge to talk confidently and with openness and approachability.
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Ilzevandermerwe
#12 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 11:03:56 PM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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monean wrote:
I'm really struggling to decide when to tell my son about sex etc. Before he goes to school when he is actually still very young, or do I wait a bit longer and risk one of his friends telling him about it. The last thing I want is for him to have a distorted view of sex!


Applause You are a wise parent to want your child to have a healthy view of sex and his sexuality. I encourage parents to tell their kids about sex, child birth, menstruation, erections, private parts and the correct names, self touching and touching others (private parts are not toys to play with) at teachable moments and by the age of 6. Kids are more informed than most parents realize and if parents do not talk to their kids about the birds and the bees, other kids will tell them or show them. It is not uncommon for 3 year old boys to suck each others penises. They do it because they have heard or seen something about penis sucking and when nobody talk to them and give them the appropriate guidance, they will try to make sense of the information by playing it out with each other. Rather be proactive and one step ahead than having to do damage control. In the many years I have guided parents about talking to their kids about the birds and the bees, I experience a significant increase in childrens knowledge at younger and younger ages.
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Ilzevandermerwe
#14 Posted : Tuesday, July 07, 2009 11:21:43 PM(UTC)
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parent24ed wrote:
I'm not sure how much I should know or want to know about my son's romantic life (he is 16 soon). Should I just butt out, or is it reasonable to ask him how things are going, how sexually active his friends are and so on? We get on so well, I don't want to alienate him be being too pushy. But I am interested, don't want him to think he can't talk to me if he needs to.


Your sixteen year old needs you even more now to talk to him about sex, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, peer pressure, birth control, safe sex, pornography, sexting (sexual sms's), being safe on Facebook, Mixit, internet and all the many technological aspects of our teens lives. Create moments where you have conversations with him whereby you give guidance and information and not interrogate him. He will close up like a clam, because it is uncool to share your romantic life with your parents. Welcome his girlfriends in your home and give guidance, guidance, guidance. Most teens become sexually active now at a younger age, so many of his friends will be sexually active. Tell your son he must always remember there is nothing that he can do that will make you stop loving him. Our teens need us to let go of them and to be very present in their lives. Be present with respect and sincerity and know you can still teach him a lot but he will learn in his own unique and personal way. My co-author and myself have written the book "Easy answers to awkward questions" to help parents and kids to have more knowledge. If you need more knowledge search for your answers and share with your son. Good luck
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parent24ed
#15 Posted : Wednesday, July 08, 2009 11:46:43 AM(UTC)
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Me again. A friend asks this, too shy to come forward herself. Her son is at preschool and a boy tried to suck his penis in the toilets. (The teacher told the mom about it.) She is really not sure whether to just pretend it never happened, call in a counsellor or what? Can you suggest a few sensible steps?
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dari
#17 Posted : Wednesday, July 08, 2009 4:03:03 PM(UTC)
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Hello, Ilze. How do I explain the birds and the bees to my 11 year old? We had a discussion on it about 3-4 years ago and I explained it to her in pretty clinical terms. However, I feel that her perception and understanding- to say nothing about the hormones that have started going haywire - have changed, she's a lot more aware of the opposite sex than she used to be and maybe an 'updated discussion' is due. I just want to be prepared in case she asks, although at this age they get embarrassed talking about things like that. Or maybe I should just bring it up?
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Ilzevandermerwe
#16 Posted : Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:36:05 AM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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parent24ed wrote:
Me again. A friend asks this, too shy to come forward herself. Her son is at preschool and a boy tried to suck his penis in the toilets. (The teacher told the mom about it.) She is really not sure whether to just pretend it never happened, call in a counsellor or what? Can you suggest a few sensible steps?


The mom should talk to her boy and tell him his private parts are those parts that are covered by his underwear or swimming costume. His private parts have a name and it is called a penis. His penis and bum belong to him and his private parts are not toys to play with and nobody should touch or play with his private parts. If anyone wants to play with his private parts he must say "NO" and tell his parents or teacher. Tell him he is allowed to touch his own private parts and his parents are allowed when they wash him. The parents should only consult with a psychologist if the child shows signs of distress about what happened. If the parents handle it with information and guidance, therapy should not be needed.
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Ilzevandermerwe
#18 Posted : Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:48:40 AM(UTC)
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Ilzevandermerwe

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dari wrote:
Hello, Ilze. How do I explain the birds and the bees to my 11 year old? We had a discussion on it about 3-4 years ago and I explained it to her in pretty clinical terms. However, I feel that her perception and understanding- to say nothing about the hormones that have started going haywire - have changed, she's a lot more aware of the opposite sex than she used to be and maybe an 'updated discussion' is due. I just want to be prepared in case she asks, although at this age they get embarrassed talking about things like that. Or maybe I should just bring it up?


Good idea to bring it up. You should prepare yourself to start talking to her about her puberty. Inform her of the changes in her body, tell her about her hormonal changes, her menstruation that will start around the time she weighs 45kg, her emotional roller coaster experiences, talk about boys and help her to be prepared for her new experiences as a pre teen and teenager. Kids do know a lot, but parents of pre teens and teens should use many teachable moments to talk, talk, talk to their kids about all the challenges of growing up, including the changes in their bodies. If you are not sure, invest in an informative book (like the one we have written) to inform both your child and yourself and to create moments of discussion between her and you. Be proactive and let your child know what lies ahead before it happens. The more natural and approachable you are, the more she will open up to you and be less embarresed.
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