|
|
 Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Member
Joined: 10/8/2008 Posts: 647 Points: 1,639 Location: Cape Town, South Africa
|
Welcome to our new adoption forum. Whether you want to know more about how to adopt, or want to share your experiences of adoption, this is your space.
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 11/20/2008 Posts: 6 Points: 18 Location: Bloemfontein, South Africa
|
I am just glad there is a space like this to chat about all issues regarding adoption. Hope to find many friends in similar situation here. We can learn from each other! Great idea!:d/ :d/
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 11/18/2009 Posts: 5 Points: 15 Location: Pretoria, South Africa
|
Hi, I am an adoptee, only found out about my adoption as an adult. Are there any other late discovery adoptees out there? Aurettehttp://aurettebowes.wordpress.com
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
I'm 39 year's old and found out 3 years ago. I've started my search now only. It's taken 3 years for me to build up the courage. However, now that I've started, it feels like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I'm also planning on telling my adoptive mother that I know about the adoption and I want to thank her for being such a wonderful mother. Hope she doesn't freek out!
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
Hello, I can so relate to what you are going through. I was almost 38 when I found out. You have a long journey ahead of you, and I would be lying if I said it won't be painful, but sometimes you have to throw salt on an open wound before it can heal. The discovery about my adoption had such a profound effect on my life that I wrote a book about it. It's called Someone's Daughter and it documents my discovery, the search for my birth mother, my feelings towards my adoptive mother for not telling me, etc etc. I wrote it because I wanted to share my story especially with other adoptees like me, and you. The good news is that there is healing to be found. If you want to know more, let me know. God bless you on your journey.
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
Hopefully I will be able to be a adoptive parent one day. In all the prosessed at the moment. My questions, whould you have prefered to have known from a young age that you were adopted? I am already thinking on how I will tell my two children one day. i do not want this to be a difficult thing for them. I want them to embrace life and become the best they can one day and have wonderful lives.
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 4/22/2010 Posts: 1 Points: 3 Location: Durban, South Africa
|
Hi there, i adopted around 8 years ago. i want to know when is the best time to tell my daughter that she is adopted. we have not mentioned anything to her and my husband thinks we should tell her later in life. her paed has also told us to tell her when she is around 12. what do you think. please help.
|
|
 Rank: Member Groups: Member
Joined: 10/17/2008 Posts: 10 Points: -61 Location: Cape Town, South Africa
|
My husband and I adopted both our children. I assume yours was a "matched" adoption otherwise it would be obvious that your daughter was adopted. Ours was also a "matched" adoption in that our children look like they are our biological children. We have told our children about their adoption since they were tiny babies. Telling them their stories was just one of many bedtime stories they were told. In the beginning it was more for us than for them - for us to get used to the words we wanted to use. For example, I thought that I would call their birth mother their tummy mummy but when I started telling them their stories I found I wasn't comfortable using that term. We also read them adoption story books along with all their other story books. We socialise with other familes formed through adoption. So adoption is part of their lives, something they have always known and they know other similar families. It's nothing unusual for our children. It's something they can talk about and ask about when they want to, which isn't very often, although they do love hearing their stories. My advice would be to tell your daughter as soon as possible. Otherwise you run the risk of her finding out from someone else and there could be very real trust issues. Some children who are only told later or who find out by accident feel betrayed by their parents and find it difficult to trust their parents. Along the lines of, "If they lied to me (even if the "lie" was by ommission) about this, what else have they lied to me about?" I would not wait until she is 12 and starting to go through teenagey-type identity issues. Those teenage years can be difficult for children who were adopted so better to have let her processed the fact that she was adopted before then. The longer you keep her story a secret from her the more chance there is of her feeling like it something to be ashamed of when nothing could be further from the truth. Adoption is just another way to have a family and your daughter needs to know that. She needs to know that she is special because you chose her to be your child and you are her parents in every way that matters - you love her and will always be her parents. There is a wonderful website called www.adoptivefamilies.com that gives advice on Talking about adoption and has forums on everything to do with adoption. Good luck! I hope the telling goes well and that you can be open with your daughter and answer all of her questions as honestly and age-appropriately as possible.
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 11/18/2009 Posts: 5 Points: 15 Location: Pretoria, South Africa
|
ccc wrote:Hi there, i adopted around 8 years ago. i want to know when is the best time to tell my daughter that she is adopted. we have not mentioned anything to her and my husband thinks we should tell her later in life. her paed has also told us to tell her when she is around 12. what do you think. please help. Hi, I am an adoptee who only found out about my adoption as an adult. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to tell your child and the more "issues" she will develop. Adoption social workers encourage adoptive parents to tell their children from babyhood, so I strongly suggest you start talking about it to your child immediately. Take it from someone who's been there (and is still healing) - it's the best way to avoid pain. God bless Aurette Aurettehttp://aurettebowes.wordpress.com
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
ccc wrote:Hi there, i adopted around 8 years ago. i want to know when is the best time to tell my daughter that she is adopted. we have not mentioned anything to her and my husband thinks we should tell her later in life. her paed has also told us to tell her when she is around 12. what do you think. please help. Sorry but your paed is in an idiot. At 12 your daughter will be dealing with puberty starting and all the life changes that brings. The last thing she needs is to find out at the same time that she is adopted. You should have been telling her right from the word go, so that it would never be a big shock but simply a fact of life that she grew up with. The best thing you can do is to tell her asap. At 8 you should have started sex education, so that can be a starting point for the conversation. Tell her that she didn't grow in your tummy, she grew in someone else's who loved her very much but could not give her a good home. Or whatever the situation was, as long as you don't lie to her. If you are worried about this, consult a child psychologist who has experience of working with adopted kids. Make sure that you and your husband agree on what you are going to tell her, and if necessary also chat to other family members and her teacher. Take care.
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
Tell your daughter! As someone who has been affected by adoption, I am vehemently opposed to closed adoption. I feel adoption should all be open and the adoptive parents and family should (within reason) be in contact with the adoptee and his new family ... to ensure the wellbeing of the child. All children deserve to know their biological family. I sympathise with people who cant have their own children however to deprive a child of his biological family is selfish!
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 5/5/2010 Posts: 5 Points: 15 Location: Pretoria, South Africa
|
Adopted 2 little one's, started telling them at around 2. oldest one is now 5 and he is asking questions, little one is 3 he doesnt understand yet but he knows the story. start as early as possible...
|
|
Rank: Guest Groups: Guest
Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: -7,905 Points: -21,244
|
Hi,
We adopted 2 girls 14 years ago, both at the age of 3. We have been open and honest with them from the beginning. We were told by the Social Worker to keep them away from any of their biological family, should we ever meet them. We decided against her advice and today at the age of 17, both our daughters visit their biological families. We have become one big family and even celebrate Christmas together. We are still mom and dad and their biological parents are called by their names. Tell your children as early as possible. It will help them adapt.
We aslo adopted a coloured boy 6 years ago (We are white) and had him in foster care for 2 years before that. We take him to see his parents at least every 3 months and he has adapted and is a very happy young boy of 10 now. He is the most loving little boy. He calls me "pappa" and his biological father "daddy", so there is no confusion.
We believe that all our childern have the right to know where they come from. So once again, my advice is to tell them as early as possible. If anyoune is interested, my wife wrote a story about adoption for our daughters and we will gladly share if it helps anyone.
|
|
 Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Member
Joined: 10/8/2008 Posts: 647 Points: 1,639 Location: Cape Town, South Africa
|
Guest wrote:Hi,
We adopted 2 girls 14 years ago, both at the age of 3. We have been open and honest with them from the beginning. We were told by the Social Worker to keep them away from any of their biological family, should we ever meet them. We decided against her advice and today at the age of 17, both our daughters visit their biological families. We have become one big family and even celebrate Christmas together. We are still mom and dad and their biological parents are called by their names. Tell your children as early as possible. It will help them adapt.
We aslo adopted a coloured boy 6 years ago (We are white) and had him in foster care for 2 years before that. We take him to see his parents at least every 3 months and he has adapted and is a very happy young boy of 10 now. He is the most loving little boy. He calls me "pappa" and his biological father "daddy", so there is no confusion.
We believe that all our childern have the right to know where they come from. So once again, my advice is to tell them as early as possible. If anyoune is interested, my wife wrote a story about adoption for our daughters and we will gladly share if it helps anyone. Hi Adopted Dad, thanks for your interesting comment. Please DM me regarding your wife's story, as it may be suitable to publish on Parent24.
|
|
 Rank: Newbie Groups: Member
Joined: 1/29/2010 Posts: 5 Points: 15 Location: Cape Town, South Africa
|
I wanted to let you know that my Cape Town based adoption support group will be starting on the 14 July Wednesday evening at 19:30 – 21:30.
I am also trying to get a group going on a Monday late afternoon (16:30 – 18:00). There are not yet enough people to make up a group at this time, but this group might be able to start earlier ( 7, 14, 21 June and the 5, 12, and 19 July) so this might suit you if you are keen to start as soon as possible better.
Both these groups are for people who are considering adoption and want to talk through the decision, those who are in the process of adopting and for those who have adopted and need support.
If you are interested in joining either of these groups, please contact me (ct.adoption.support@gmail.com) to set up a time to meet and discuss your needs.
|
|
|
|
|
Guest |