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Desperate
#1 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 2:21:14 PM(UTC)
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How do I approach my husband, without causing a huge fight (a small one I can handle) with regards to him smoking around the children?

Our youngest (19 months) suffer from allergies and asthma-like symptomes and his smoking definitely doesn't help!

He smokes outside on the patio, but the smoke blows into the house. The children also play around him sometimes and then the smoke blows into their faces. I get so angry and disgusted that I actually want to threaten him with divorce. See, his is not a bad father, he loves the children very much and they him. It is just that he is ignorant and does not care (or believe) research about second hand smoking.

My GP asked me last year, when I went to see him for the umpteenth time with the baby's chest problems, whether he should write my husband a letter...I am so desperate that I might take him up on that offer now.

I am scared to bring up the conversation because I know the fight will be ugly. Maybe I should just suck it up and take it for the sake of my children...
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Guest
#2 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 3:37:23 PM(UTC)
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Smoking in front of children is child abuse. I wouldn't let anyone smoke near my children. My opinion is, if what you are doing isn't working, you obviously aren't doing enough. Nothing is impossible if you don't give up.
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Guest
#3 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 3:43:46 PM(UTC)
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Me and my son are both asmatic and allergic, the moment someone smoke in my facinity my voice start changing and I started breathing heavily, my son's allergies starts immediately. Good luck, maybe you should try the letter. It is very bad for your baby
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Guest
#4 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 3:44:42 PM(UTC)
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maybe the child gets asma because you are so intense
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Guest
#5 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 3:46:00 PM(UTC)
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I feel your pain. I am also a father and a smoker. I only smoke outside and close the doors. Even so I feel guilty because I know I carry the smoke in on my clothes and in my lungs. \
I try to brush my teeth and wash my hands at home every time I've been out smoking because I don't want the smell on my 1 year old. It is a very difficult situation but please don't go in negative and don't go in looking /expecting a fight. Smoking is drug adiction and when you are pressurised and stressed the one thing you want to do more than anything else is smoke, that approach will not work. I'm busy reading Alan Car's easy way to stop smoking - I recomend you both read it, he's insight into the smoking problem is better than any other I've seen.
A person can not stop smoking unless he is in the right head space - fighting with him will not get him there I can guarantee that. That being said he needs to realise that his smoking has an impact especially since your child has asthma, a note from the doctor stating this won't be out of place if he doesn't want to believe you. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
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John B
#6 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:04:51 PM(UTC)
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I am a chronic severe asthmatic, you can't really get worse. I understand where you're coming from (as I was a kid in a home full of smokers) but feel that it's a slight overreaction from your side. If your husband smokes outside, isn't that proof that he understands that 2nd hand smoke is bad for the kids? Maybe he thinks your reaction to the kids running outside while he smokes is a tad out of line, and I would agree (tell the kids to maintain a bit of distance when they're around Dad when he's smoking, or get him to close the windows/ doors when he goes outside so it doesn't float into the house)- I would understand this if it was in the house, car or closed area though - as I cannot handle this under any circumstances. On the other hand, if he still denies that 2nd hand smoke is a problem, i'm afraid he's as thick as a plank and there's no level of reasoning you can present to him considering the amount of information that's available to back this up in today's world. If you want to let him feel what it's like to live with asthma, put a peg on his nose and give him a straw to breathe through... it's about as close as you can get to show someone with healthy lungs what it's like.
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Guest
#7 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:06:16 PM(UTC)
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Why did you married him?! Or did your husband start to smoke only after the kiddies were born?
You only have yourself to blame... You will also have to accept that you are responsible for your children's harm.

I suggest a divorce but let the kids stay with their father.
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parent24ed
#10 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:14:24 PM(UTC)
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Perhaps you should take the doctor up on the offer as he may take it more seriously not coming from you. good luck, let us know how this turns out.
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Guest
#11 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:14:48 PM(UTC)
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I feel for you. I have the same issue with my wife but she grew up in a house where smoking was accepted as "normal". Me? Not!

This grew into a fight where after this weekend she now wants a divorce because I won't let the smoking thing "go" ... I guess there must be some other issue or two as well (I don;t believe for one seconds it's only about the smoking) but the smoking fight seems to have sparked a much bigger fight than I would have thought possible!!!

Anyway, however you approach the "fight" it probably won't end nice. Smoker just don't seem to care, that's all ...
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Guest
#13 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:18:43 PM(UTC)
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And yes, for the post above, my wife started smoking after we got married!!! Must be something I did???
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Guest
#12 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:20:52 PM(UTC)
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And yes, she started smoking after we got married!!! Must be because I'm too "intense" too???
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#14 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:45:04 PM(UTC)
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If your husband was beating your baby, you would have done something drastic. Smoking around children is also child abuse! I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but he has to take some responsibility too. It is time for him to step up and be a father. The moment my husband heard that I was pregnant, he quit cold turkey. It was extremely hard for him, but he did it to take better care of his child. That is what parenthood is: sacrifice. Good luck to you. I'm rooting for your husband to do the right thing, especially since you say that he is a good father.
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Guest
#15 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:48:09 PM(UTC)
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I think a good idea from the doctor, i think he will listen to him better.
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Guest
#16 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:52:06 PM(UTC)
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Let the doctor speak to your husband, maybe then the message will sink in. If that doesn't work slap him! He might just wake up. And by the way I am a smoker.
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Guest
#17 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 4:53:18 PM(UTC)
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Some of these comments from guests are just nasty.

I married a man who smoked before we got married.... quit and started again. it became a huge issue and no, divorcing him will cause more sever harm to your children (so that is a stupid suggestion), also, it is no way your fault. Living and fighting with a smoker as a non smoker like myself gets very intense. I hate it and made it a huge issue. Now my attitude is, if you want to be stupid and smoke and kill your own lungs go ahead.... but leave me and our daughter out of it. my husband doesnt smoke in the house with the door closed and wont dare take a cigarette near our daughter. its a matter of respect, he understands that it is his choice and that neither myself or our little girl should be subjected to it. when i stopped fussing about the smoking, life became easier but he too committed to keeping it to himself.

Try one more time, to insist he smokes away from all innocent parties.
Hope it comes right!
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Guest
#18 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 5:17:16 PM(UTC)
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No sex until he stops smoking....
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yousuf
#20 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 5:24:34 PM(UTC)
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smoking causes Asthma , it makes those who have asthma very sick. I have an astmatic daughter , and the thought of anyone smoking near her will drive me mad. YOUR HUSBAND IS A MORON
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????
#21 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 5:27:42 PM(UTC)
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I had Asthma as a child and struggled to breath when around smoke.

Your husband is an idiot. His ignorance is shocking; you need to get your child out of this situation!

He doesn't sound like the nicest person; I would guess this is not his only character flaw. Don't kid yourself, step back and look at this man.

Life is too short to be unhappy!!!
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Quitter
#23 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 5:38:18 PM(UTC)
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My husband quit smoking before we got married and had kids and I am grateful for that - it was his own choice to do it, but we still have an asthmatic child, which is nothing to do with smoking. Some children are more susceptible to asthma, and I'm sure that the smoking exaccerbates it, but instead of flying off the handle, get your husband to take your child to the doctor next time. Why should you have to do it every time? Maybe getting it first hand from the doctor will sink in how much damage he's doing.
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Guest
#24 Posted : Monday, May 10, 2010 5:45:21 PM(UTC)
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Yes smoking is obviously the answer here. Then you can come and post on here that you think he is a bad father and how you dont think they should visit him. Try and remember that there are TWO parents. I bet you do things to/with the children that your husband doesnt agree with that drive him insane. Go ahead - divorce him and give him some alone time with the kids without a hen watching his very move.
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