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Divorced for 1yr but I still love her
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andreshane
#1 Posted : Friday, October 01, 2010 1:13:03 PM(UTC)
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andreshane

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I found this forum in an attempt to find some sort of help and as a last resort. I am a divorced father of a 2yr old son. His mother and I were married for 6 years. I wronged her in many ways and I've accepted my part in the whole thing. We grew apart but I accepted that no relationship is perfect and I must keep to the comittment we made to each other. It didn't work. The beginning of the end was phone calls to another girl which was seen as me having an affair. I never intended to hurt my ex but I did.

I have been trying to put my son first in this situation. We have joint custody, after I fought for it and he lives with his mother. Every 2nd weekend I get to have him. I don't pay "maintenance', but I buy his food, nappies and pay for 50% of his day care fees or any thing else he needs for the month. I want to be more involved in my sons life than just paying a fixed amount of money to her.

Through all the horrible words, fights and even through the cold treatment I get, I never stopped loving my ex-wife. And it's causing major problems recently. She moved into a new house 2 months back and has started to live her life the way she always wanted to. I'm finding it so hard to let go of her emotionally, the mother of my child, and all the good that we shared. I keep doing things to show her that I still care so that she treats me a little better. I still get 'trampled' on and eventually I fight back. I end up getting jealous of new men in her life and it becomes me "trying to control" her life. I used to be able to go to her place everyday to see my son, bath him and put him to sleep. I love him more than life itself and I can barely go a day without seeing him. Now, I'm not allowed to do that anymore because she doesn't want me around her. If I want to talk to him, I have to sms my intentions to her first and she will tell me when to call.

I wish I could just walk away and leave them alone, but I love my son too much and stupidly I still love her ! How do I let go of her so I can move on with my life and be a good father that my son can be proud off ? I forget the bad someone has done but I remember the good. Should I try to focus on the bad so I can hate her ? What do I do ?
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Guest
#2 Posted : Friday, October 01, 2010 3:56:30 PM(UTC)
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hi, i understand what you mean and it is not easy. we know each other a total of 14yrs, were married 3yrs in that time. we also have a 2yr old. my ex and i tried but then he decided to date his supplier. i knew of her when we were married but don't know her.
i sit with the endless fights with him now about our child and threats although our son lives with me. yes he has done me wrong and in some why think of his threats etc as bursts of emotions. even through this all i realise that if someone asked me how i feel about him, beyond all the hurt, i would still say "i love him".
i had done some reading to help me, there is a course for couples and singles, which i was suggesting to my ex but he found a gf. however, we definitely have issues with in ourselves, and i am definitely looking at attending the course for singles. if only to better myself for the little one. look up imago therapy, they have it in pta.
good luck.
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Guest
#4 Posted : Friday, October 01, 2010 4:50:11 PM(UTC)
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Well you should of treated your wife better! Face it you lost her now deal with it. And dont give her unecessary grief either. You made your bed now sleep in it. Act like a grown up!
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andreshane
#3 Posted : Sunday, October 03, 2010 12:31:11 AM(UTC)
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andreshane

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Guest wrote:
hi, i understand what you mean and it is not easy. we know each other a total of 14yrs, were married 3yrs in that time. we also have a 2yr old. my ex and i tried but then he decided to date his supplier. i knew of her when we were married but don't know her.
i sit with the endless fights with him now about our child and threats although our son lives with me. yes he has done me wrong and in some why think of his threats etc as bursts of emotions. even through this all i realise that if someone asked me how i feel about him, beyond all the hurt, i would still say "i love him".
i had done some reading to help me, there is a course for couples and singles, which i was suggesting to my ex but he found a gf. however, we definitely have issues with in ourselves, and i am definitely looking at attending the course for singles. if only to better myself for the little one. look up imago therapy, they have it in pta.
good luck.


Thanks for that. I will look it up. Good luck to you as well.
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andreshane
#5 Posted : Sunday, October 03, 2010 12:54:57 AM(UTC)
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andreshane

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Well you should of treated your wife better! Face it you lost her now deal with it. And dont give her unecessary grief either. You made your bed now sleep in it. Act like a grown up!


Well you seem to have it all together ! Must feel good to be perfect ? If life was as simple and easy as you make it out to be, then there would be no need for forums like this. If not acting "like a grown up" right now ends up giving my son the best he could have, then that is what I will do. Thank you for taking the time to post a reply to my thread, but next time, do us both a favour and rather use the time to feed the high horse you rode in on.
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JustSaying
#7 Posted : Sunday, October 03, 2010 4:53:11 PM(UTC)
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I don't think any response will take away your pain. I am sorry to hear that this is so difficult for you.

Have you tried to sit with your ex-wife and talk to her? Tell her how you feel? If she doesn't want you back in her life, you will need to accept it and move on, however difficult that may be.

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Guest
#8 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 10:22:20 AM(UTC)
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I have no simpathy for you! I am married to a wonderful wife, who has also been married before and who has a child out of this previous marriage. Her ex showed EXACTLY the same so called "remorse" as you now did, constantly harrassing us and her into taking him back. We've heard all the usual old excuses, like "we made a promise before God, so you MUST take me back", and "For the sake of the child, you must take me back", and the classic one... "but I still love you, so you must take me back". He also proclaimed that "hey, our marriage wasn't perfect, but whose is nowadays, so there was no reason for her to leave me". Same old, same old..... You guys never change do you. Can't take responsibility for your failed marriage, and now, because you have a son, everybody must pity you!

I am sure your ex wife must have had a VERY good reason to leave you, and the fact that you commented quite aggresively on one of the comments.... : "Thank you for taking the time to post a reply to my thread, but next time, do us both a favour and rather use the time to feed the high horse you rode in on. " Mmmmm, that comment with it's sarcastic, agressive tone tells me alot of what your ex wife went through!
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My God Lives!!!
#10 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 10:29:31 AM(UTC)
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Hi Newbie...well i dont know where to start but ill start by saying i am not feeling sorry for you because on the one hand you made a mistake and with every dicission we make there is a outcome wheater good or bad but the choices we make will determine our destiny and i think you understand that right now...on the other hand i empetise with you because i know what you are facing and i know to loose someone you lived your life for is not easy even if you were the weakest link...but this is what i think of this situation...your son is important to you right...you love your ex right now do what someone would do that loves someone...be the real man and be strong, yes go see your son when you have to but this is the key, avoid calling your ex, avoid sms her, cause you call for your son but deep in your heart you want to hear her voice, you go over there to see your son but deep inside you want to see her and who is with her...so avoid being caught in a moment where you see or hear things that would make you act out of your anger and emotions. remember with every action there is a reaction...in that time where you stay absent from these negative things you find yourself and seek help for your actions become a better man and become emotionally stronger to face your ex even if you see her kissing on another man you can look at it and smile...when you are that strong you begin to show her that you love her whilst controlling your outbursts and anger...by the little i read im assuming you are a bit angry. so get to know "YOU" and become stronger and sorry to say it but wiser and you will know how to control this situation.

if i have to say this after 6 years my man...she loves you and even if she dont say it she does bro, but at the moment she is very angry at you and hurt at what you did to her...so give her some time to overcome that while you get to know yourself and become a better man...im not a woman but i know a little about them but a woman when she is hurt can become your worst enemy and the more you force your way while she is angry the more she pull away and you drift further and further apart. right now all the guys that she is seeing is nothing but 1 of 2 things... either want to make you feel what she went through cause she knows you love her or she is trying to really move on without you...but if you can be the man she fell inlove with and remain that man!!! my man you will get her back...

and to round it of...without Christ Jesus being your foundation your life/relationship/house etc...will be rocky, ask Him to be your guide and your comfort and confide in Him He is our Lord. i did it in my time of hurt even worst then you my brother.

God Bless you and ill pray for you and your family...
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Mal Japie
#12 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 10:30:45 AM(UTC)
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I feel for you irrelevant of what you may or may not of done, need to pray about it and that God restores whats been stolen.
Times are difficault, the pressures that are out there causes a lot of pressure on a family,it causes all kinds of insecurities, the result is you end up hurting the one you love.
Anyway,good luck
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Guest
#13 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 10:49:06 AM(UTC)
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I know how you feel. Think of it this way, she is the mother of your child, and you will forever have a 'bond' with her as you are both the parent to the child you both love and adore, but you no longer have the man/wife bond.

My exH and I have only recently admitted to having 'feelings' of some kind for each other - post divorce. We admit to each other that those feelings will probably never go away, we shared 14 years together and 2 children. Its taken me a long time to admit that I love him - but am not IN LOVE with him - and he probably feels the same. Once the hurt and anger is gone, maybe you will both come to a mutual understanding of caring for each other, probably forever - but you have to let her go, and your feelings of 'love' for her in order for YOU to heal. I know its difficult, but its the only way you can move on with your life.
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#14 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 10:51:59 AM(UTC)
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I sympathise with you, I have been away from my ex for about 18months and stll it hurts like hell. Time is the only healer, she and I talk quite often nowadays, and even see each other on the very odd occasion. I know she still loves me, and I certainly do love her. I am not sure that we should get back together, too much water under the bridge and all that stuff, but who knows, time will tell.

You got to suck it up and deal with it unfortunately, that is the only way. Over time you will find that she will most probably "warm" to you again as she also has emotions and is trying to deal with them in her own time and space. So give her the time & space, to come to terms with her own feelings, its the only way. Dealing with the "new men" in her life is unfortunately part of it and there is nothing you can do about it. Try dating yourself, you may be pleasantly surprised. What will be, will be.

PS: If you do date someone, just be very honest about where you are, and try not create expectations that cannot be matched.

Good luck
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Pete
#15 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 11:10:16 AM(UTC)
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There's no easy way to say this but what you are missing and what is causing you pain is not the love you feel for your EX-wife. What is causing you grief is:
1) The fact that you are missing the day to day joys of being a father, and
2) You're also missing the time of your life when you felt you had everything under control; family,love, job, extra-marital love too probably.

Your past actions have caused you to lose the right to #1 and even joint custody will not give you the right to be an everyday onsite father. Grieve over the loss of your son and understand that your relationship is on a different level andmake peace with that. At moments in his development you will be closer as a father and son, whilst at others you will be worlds apart. Don't push it. Enjoy the journey with your son... but from the outside. Just ensure that he knows that you are always there.

Regarding #2; your life is no longer controlled by you. It is now controlled by your EX-wife... but only insofar as your son is concerned. If you keep looking to win back the time when your life was under YOUR control... I have news for you... thats gone. You're not in love with your ex-wife... you're in love with your EX-Life.

Its time to move on. Make peace with yourself, your situation, and make a plan to ACTIVELY move on with your life. Gym, have a date (you were good at getting them before.. hehe), travel, change your friendship circle, start a new sport or hobby. But move on.

Nostalgia is like dishing up the past from the rubbish bin, dusting it off and thinking that thats when your life was perfect. It never was.

You've started to look in the mirror. Now fix what was broken about your own behaviour and then forgive yourself. And then move on.

When you look back in 10yrs you'll hopefully appreciate the past for what it was and the present for what it is.

Good Luck.
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Guest
#16 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 11:20:21 AM(UTC)
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So typical, you only realized what you had when you lost it. For the sake of your poor son who is caught in the middle of this struggle, please let her go grow up and let her be. If ever she wants you back in her life let it happen on its own. Treat her how you want to be treated, with kindness and understanding. you have to take control of your emotions and be civil as posibile for your son's sake. It's not easy but, look for common ground again and be civil. Think of your son every time your emotions start running wild and let him centre and ground you.

Hope this all makes sense to you, Good Luck.
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Guest
#17 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 11:46:50 AM(UTC)
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You sound like a softy, that is why your wife will never take you back. Stop with this emotional sh!t and grow a pair. I truly hope your son don`t grow up to be like you, maybe her new man can teach him how to act more like a man...
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Guest
#18 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 12:31:08 PM(UTC)
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Don't be the "crazy stalker ex". Behave like an adult, stop harassing your ex-wife and stick to the visiting and custody times you have been given. If you really care about your child's wellbeing, accept that the marriage is over and let your son see you treating his mother in a polite and reasonable way. You don't want him to grow up having to choose which parent his loyalties lie with.
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Guest
#19 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 12:46:46 PM(UTC)
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I feel very sorry for you as there is really not much to go through that is more painful. Thing is if your ex doesn't love you - you are going to have to let it go. What did you think when you were cheating on her? I mean a person just doens't do that?
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#20 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 12:49:34 PM(UTC)
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I don't mean this to sound harsh but maybe after you have been trampled on a bit more you will realise that you need to walk away and start putting yourself first. There are other people out there and what you can learn from this is that women do not like possessive men, remember this when your next relationship comes around.

Good Luck.
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Guest
#21 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 12:50:08 PM(UTC)
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Cut the chord!!
The day my divorce came through I thought Hell I should have done this years ago instead of clinging to something that wasn't working
After 20 years marriage to my wife

I got the kids too
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SAMANGONYAMA
#22 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 1:16:29 PM(UTC)
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It is always the case that when we want to let go we look for bad in people we once loved. You love her because you do not have control over her, and for the fact that she's moving on with her life. Be a real man and stay away, you can still love your child withought beeing there everyday. The only negatice about kids who growup with out father they sometime get too spoiled. but there are far better that kids who grow up with fathers that are physically present and emotionally aspent.

Which i can conclude that you love someone outside more that your claim of loving you kid. let it go, let it go.

Like Mark Anthiny said: the evil that men do live after them and the good oft intired with their bones, so let it be.

You had your chance, moment and opportunity to Love inside but you chose to desire out side.
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Guest
#11 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 1:53:43 PM(UTC)
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Hi Newbie...well i dont know where to start but ill start by saying i am not feeling sorry for you because on the one hand you made a mistake and with every dicission we make there is a outcome wheater good or bad but the choices we make will determine our destiny and i think you understand that right now...on the other hand i empetise with you because i know what you are facing and i know to loose someone you lived your life for is not easy even if you were the weakest link...but this is what i think of this situation...your son is important to you right...you love your ex right now do what someone would do that loves someone...be the real man and be strong, yes go see your son when you have to but this is the key, avoid calling your ex, avoid sms her, cause you call for your son but deep in your heart you want to hear her voice, you go over there to see your son but deep inside you want to see her and who is with her...so avoid being caught in a moment where you see or hear things that would make you act out of your anger and emotions. remember with every action there is a reaction...in that time where you stay absent from these negative things you find yourself and seek help for your actions become a better man and become emotionally stronger to face your ex even if you see her kissing on another man you can look at it and smile...when you are that strong you begin to show her that you love her whilst controlling your outbursts and anger...by the little i read im assuming you are a bit angry. so get to know "YOU" and become stronger and sorry to say it but wiser and you will know how to control this situation.

if i have to say this after 6 years my man...she loves you and even if she dont say it she does bro, but at the moment she is very angry at you and hurt at what you did to her...so give her some time to overcome that while you get to know yourself and become a better man...im not a woman but i know a little about them but a woman when she is hurt can become your worst enemy and the more you force your way while she is angry the more she pull away and you drift further and further apart. right now all the guys that she is seeing is nothing but 1 of 2 things... either want to make you feel what she went through cause she knows you love her or she is trying to really move on without you...but if you can be the man she fell inlove with and remain that man!!! my man you will get her back...

and to round it of...without Christ Jesus being your foundation your life/relationship/house etc...will be rocky, ask Him to be your guide and your comfort and confide in Him He is our Lord. i did it in my time of hurt even worst then you my brother.

God Bless you and ill pray for you and your family...


You have no right condenming his beliefs, you don't know what Religion or race he belongs to. It is wrong for you to just condenm without knowing, I am glad you believe in Christ as God but don't forget that there are other reigions out there and beliefs completely different to you own. I can tell you that Jesus the son of God "GOD'S Messenger" won't be thrilled with your judgement and condenming.
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