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Divorced for 1yr but I still love her
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PPK
#23 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 2:07:18 PM(UTC)
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Leave you ex wife alone, and dont try and use the kid in your fights. You've done this to yourself !
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Guest
#24 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 2:14:08 PM(UTC)
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Please read on "People who love too much." It will help you see why some people love to their self-destruction.
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Pieternella
#25 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 2:42:29 PM(UTC)
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Hi I agree with what Pete says. You are in love with your ex life. Well, maybe I am. This is a new line of thought for me.. with my problem. Wow Pete, by the way. Clever man!

But for you. What happened to the girl you chatted up that you wife found out about? Dead end there? Why? I am in a very similar situation than your wife. So, I think I can speak from her view point. She also misses you. She compares you to the guys she is seeing. She also misses her ex life. I moved on, and my heart weeps for my ex. Start tjaafing her. Like you used to in the old days. Just sitting her down and telling her how you feel is pointless. Too much has happened that she will not forgive you about. Tjaaf her. Chat her up. Make a date with her. Like you start from scratch. In that way you can bowl her over and get your family back. Take your time. Dont rush it. You will have to prove yourself to her. Give it like six months to a year of dating like you just met. You know? Be romantic.

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Guest
#26 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 2:45:33 PM(UTC)
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You acknowledged the fact that you did wrong. Fact is there is 2 sides to every story. Here is something to get you moving forward and not to be desperate. Stats have it that there are at least 2 women for every man on this earth. Why waste it with one. You have a better start and possibility than her in meeting someone.
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Guest
#27 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 2:48:18 PM(UTC)
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I filed for divorse in May and decided to move out in September. He refuses to pay for school fees and transport for our 9 year old. we also have a 1 year old son. He only buys his grocery. He's plan is to make me suffer for the choosing happiness. I've been miserable for 10 years and decided to leave for my sanity and also for my children sake. My children deserve to grow up in a stable environment than to be with 2 parents who are physically there but emotially upsent.
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Guest
#28 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 3:21:12 PM(UTC)
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You are definitely getting lots of lip, everybody has an opinion and they are entitled to it.

I can relate to your situation, I have been there.

Ask yourself, why did this happen?

Do you want to go down that road again? Maybe you better off and have the freedom that you have desired, maybe you grew up and realised your mistake BUT will you be forgiven.

Respect is earned, don't hash it. If it is going to work out, it will rather be honest to yourself and your ex.

Honesty will get you everywhere and flattery well that works too.

I feel your pain and I hope it works out for you. Send your ex a huge bunch of flowers and apologise, it takes a BIG MAN to admit to his wrong doing. Make a list of all the wrong you have done to her and apologise for each one and admit that you done wrong. Don't deny any wrong doing, trust me you can not lie to a woman.

She may forgive you or ask you to get lost either way get it of your chest and live life as a decent loving person, we can all become better men. Don't have another relationship as you seem like the person who is going to look for your ex in every woman and you going to hurt them.

I surely hope everything works out for you.
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Guest
#29 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 3:40:08 PM(UTC)
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andreshane wrote:
I found this forum in an attempt to find some sort of help and as a last resort. I am a divorced father of a 2yr old son. His mother and I were married for 6 years. I wronged her in many ways and I've accepted my part in the whole thing. We grew apart but I accepted that no relationship is perfect and I must keep to the comittment we made to each other. It didn't work. The beginning of the end was phone calls to another girl which was seen as me having an affair. I never intended to hurt my ex but I did.

I have been trying to put my son first in this situation. We have joint custody, after I fought for it and he lives with his mother. Every 2nd weekend I get to have him. I don't pay "maintenance', but I buy his food, nappies and pay for 50% of his day care fees or any thing else he needs for the month. I want to be more involved in my sons life than just paying a fixed amount of money to her.

Through all the horrible words, fights and even through the cold treatment I get, I never stopped loving my ex-wife. And it's causing major problems recently. She moved into a new house 2 months back and has started to live her life the way she always wanted to. I'm finding it so hard to let go of her emotionally, the mother of my child, and all the good that we shared. I keep doing things to show her that I still care so that she treats me a little better. I still get 'trampled' on and eventually I fight back. I end up getting jealous of new men in her life and it becomes me "trying to control" her life. I used to be able to go to her place everyday to see my son, bath him and put him to sleep. I love him more than life itself and I can barely go a day without seeing him. Now, I'm not allowed to do that anymore because she doesn't want me around her. If I want to talk to him, I have to sms my intentions to her first and she will tell me when to call.

I wish I could just walk away and leave them alone, but I love my son too much and stupidly I still love her ! How do I let go of her so I can move on with my life and be a good father that my son can be proud off ? I forget the bad someone has done but I remember the good. Should I try to focus on the bad so I can hate her ? What do I do ?
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Guest
#30 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 3:57:13 PM(UTC)
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I am really sorry for your pain. I think that you need to still respect the boundaries, of your custody agreement and also focus your mind outwardly. Meet new people, go to gym, do other stuff with friends and family to take your mind off the situation until you are emotionally stronger and stable. You don't have to go out looking for female company, just keep yourself busy, when you are not with your son. Also I would suggest some counselling for yourself from a psychologist.

Don't be clingy and needy, women see that as a sign of a weak man. Hide your feelings from her for now, show yourself as quietly confident, strong and friendly, when you do go to to see your son, and respect her space. I know its kills you inside, but have patience. If you are meant ot be with her again, you will.

You are also in mourning, and that can be confused for love. So be careful here. If you have not sorted out why you and her drifted apart during the marriage, and if you go back, the problems in your marriage could rear its ugly head again later on. You need help. Good luck.

Trust in our all forgiving God and have faith that he will help you. We are all God's children.
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Guest
#9 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 4:34:14 PM(UTC)
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Guest wrote:
I am sure your ex wife must have had a VERY good reason to leave you, and the fact that you commented quite aggresively on one of the comments.... : "Thank you for taking the time to post a reply to my thread, but next time, do us both a favour and rather use the time to feed the high horse you rode in on. " Mmmmm, that comment with it's sarcastic, agressive tone tells me alot of what your ex wife went through!


You, Sir, are a twat.

See, I've also just judged you without knowing you. Although, admittedly, you reveal a lot more about your narrow-mindedness in your response than the poor guy that started this thread.

Go back to your one-dimensional existence, you brainless invertebrate.

The poor guy was responding fairly to useless piece of criticism sans constructive value. I would have done the same.
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Pumeza
#31 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 4:36:29 PM(UTC)
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If it was meant to be,she'll come around.It's just that now she wants to prove a point by showing you that she can make it on her own.When she's alone she also feels the pain you are feeling,try to do your duties for your child on top of it all ask God for strength,and a way forwad,,He'll never dissapoint you it might too good to be true but I dare you to cry unto Him and c results.MAY GOD BLESS YOU
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Guest
#32 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 4:55:23 PM(UTC)
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Move on. What would you have done if there was no kid in the picture?
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Guest
#6 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 5:22:51 PM(UTC)
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Guest wrote:
Well you should of treated your wife better! Face it you lost her now deal with it. And dont give her unecessary grief either. You made your bed now sleep in it. Act like a grown up!


It doesn't help to be judgemental. Ypou could be in the same shoes one day.
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Guest
#33 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 5:32:42 PM(UTC)
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I feel sorry for you, But just let it go on some few months you will see the difference when you stop calling her, harrasing her just let her be if she still loves you or if you were meant for each other she will come back remember my brother everything happens for a reason & only God knows why if you believe in him just pray with all your heart he will answer you i promise you its eiether he gives you another woman or he brings your ex but only time will tell. i know you can say you dont need someone else you need her only her but believe me when i say WHEN ANOTHER DOOR CLOSES ANOTHER ONE OPENS.

All the best!
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Guest
#34 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 6:21:11 PM(UTC)
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Thanks to so many of you for the advice. I think it best I do not to respond to the personal attacks but rather focus on the sensible words of advice and support that have been offered. I really appreciate it.

We both contributed to the failure of our marriage but I'm taking the responsibilty for my part in it. I could mention things that were said/done during our marriage that caused me to react the way I did, but I do not want it to seem as if I am making excuses or trying to bad-mouth her. I still think she is a good person, and however wronged I felt when I was with her, I should have reacted differently. Yes, I know its too late now, what's done cannot be changed and I must deal with that. It recently became clear to me that we both gave up on each other a long time before we got divorced, but we tried to sweep the issues under the carpet for convenience.

I don't think there is any chance of us being together again. What I would like is for us to be able to communicate peacefully. I know that she also wants that but yesterday I realised even though she trys, the past still makes her get angry and bitter towards me. So I'm not going to fight her anymore. I'm going to just back off and give her space to deal with things the way she wants to. Its going to be really difficult to keep away from my son even for a day, but I will have to try at least for a while. I know the bond between my son and I can not be broken and I need to leave the rest in Gods hands.

We both had messed up childhoods that made us who we are now & I know that ultimately she does not want our child to experience that. I will hope and pray that soon she will be able to heal and move on as I know I have to as well.

Once again, thanks to all of you for the advice and support that has helped me get to this point.
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Well, hello there
#35 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 6:38:28 PM(UTC)
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@author. If it were me, I'd count my losses and move on. You're just causing yourself agony by staying close to her and seeing her with other men, and you're going to end up staying awake nights imagining another man shagging her.

That being said, there are only two things you can do to someone's life: make it better or make it worse. In your case, she's obviously thinking that her life is better without you or more to the point, better without having the source of her pain in her space. And therein lies the rub my friend. You have to figure out how to make her life better with you in it. You have to figure out how to take her pain away by addressing the cause of what you did. And it wasn't the shagging of another chick; it was the fact that you planned it out and went through with it without considering the ex's feelings and THAT is what's hurting her. You need to figure out what triggered you to start the whole thing with the other woman because your answer lies in there somewhere. Address and correct the CAUSE and make sure she (the ex) knows that you're doing it. Ask yourself where it began and no, it didn't begin when you saw that sweet piece of ass for the first time. It started before that; the piece of ass was just a catalyst and a reason. A symptom in other words.

Good luck brother, however this plays out. Just don't go do anything stupid, and leave the kid out of it.
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Guest
#36 Posted : Monday, October 04, 2010 6:50:34 PM(UTC)
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It is not what you lied about, but to whom.
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lustagp
#37 Posted : Tuesday, October 05, 2010 10:49:14 AM(UTC)
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i will suggest you keep your distance and live by the rules you are given by your ex wife for now. It's not goign to be easy but at least it is going to give your ex the well deserved time to think and maybe it will also gain you some respect from her. Call your son everyday, have time with him every chance you are allowed to. Try to do somethign else and not focusing on this the whole time, read self help books bit by bit, you will be fine.

As a woman who had a messy break up from my fiance when i was pregnant, i really hope you understnd your ex needs healing first wihout you in the picture.
In my case i couldnt take my ex back when he wanted me back, as i really felt the connection was no longer there , and will never come back. So maybe you also dont stand a chance wih her, please respect that and keep loving your son. Forgive yourself and move on.

As for the mean replies here from other pople, dont even entertain them some people know nothing about forgiveness and peace, they are just bitter and mean. They take their frustrations everywhere dont stoop at their level as it is never going to heal or change your situation.

All the best.
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Guest
#38 Posted : Tuesday, October 05, 2010 11:19:47 AM(UTC)
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Guest @ 04 October 2010 09:46:50 wrote:
You sound like a softy, that is why your wife will never take you back. Stop with this emotional sh!t and grow a pair. I truly hope your son don`t grow up to be like you, maybe her new man can teach him how to act more like a man...


Actually, guest, your attitude is precisely what is WRONG with men nowadays - did the concept that men are human beings made of flesh and blood, not science-fiction creatures made of steel, ever enter your tiny little head? What PRECISELY is wrong with men actually having emotions and caring about somebody other than themselves? Or are you (exactly as it appears) a typical "dik, dom, en bedonnerd" throwback to Neanderthal man?
Whatever - luckily people like you are a TINY minority.


As for the OP - I suggest you have a VERY close look at what you're actually feeling. You'll most probably find that it's not your ex-wife that you're hankering after, but that you're missing the intimacy and closeness of being a family, of having your child with you 24/7, and that you have now donned rose-tinted spectacles, blinding you to the fact that you ACTUALLY no longer really love your ex, but that you are willing (you think!) to do ANYTHING, and to put up with ANYTHING, in order to regain that family-closeness with 24/7 access to your child.

Truth be told, if you managed to get yourself 'back' into that position, a year from now you'd be separated again - leopards never change their spots, and the only constant thing about human beings is that their characters NEVER change. No matter HOW sincerely you or your ex promise to change for each other, sooner (rather than later) you'll be back to square one - except you'll have wasted MORE time and money, and hurt each other more in the process.
It's not easy, but try to make the best of things as they are now - and go for joint 'custody' so that your child spends equal time with each of you and your ex.
You owe it to your child to make that work.
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