Raising your child without breaking him down
IN BRIEF: You may think your parents spanked, yelled, screamed, and belittled you and you turned out okay, so that's how you'll discipline your child. But research shows that there are more effective ways of raising our children without breaking them down. Consider your style and see if your way is best for your child.
Many parents equate discipline with punishment. In reality, however, these two concepts are like chalk and cheese. Effective discipline teaches your child what is (and is not) appropriate behaviour and how to become a responsible and independent person.
Punishment, however, usually makes no sense to the child and makes him feel bad about himself. In addition, making the child suffer for his mistakes shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learnt, to who is in control.
Although children differ and may require different methods of discipline, experts believe punishment is not the way to go. Many studies have even suggested that punishment can do more harm than good.
A study on the moral development of children found that children who feared punishment tended to have less guilt, were less willing to accept responsibility, less resistant to temptation and had fewer internal controls than children who were not punished.
While a misbehaving child doesn't mean you're a bad parent or don't know enough about discipline, if what you are doing isn't working, perhaps it's time to assess your parenting style and consider making a change or getting help.
Parenting styles
Researchers mean that, while there isn't only one way to raise and discipline your children, parents who are authoritarian or permissive are more likely to run into discipline problems.
Authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parents are highly controlling, extremely strict and believe in absolute obedience to authority. They usually rely on punishment and don't expect their children to express disagreement and don't encourage give-and-take behaviour. They are not emotionally responsive and are very demanding and directive.
While authoritarian parents think they have "obedient" children, these children are actually just terrified of their parents and fearful of all new experiences and challenges. Researchers found that these children tend to lack social competence, have lower self-esteem and rarely take the initiative in activities. They show less intellectual curiosity, are not spontaneous and usually rely on the voice of authority.
Permissive parenting
Permissive parents, in turn, are overly lenient and fail to set any limits, as they don't want to stifle the child's creativity. They are usually warm and accepting, but don't make any demands for mature or responsible behaviour.
This parenting style usually creates children that are spoiled and disrespectful to all authority figures. Researchers found that the children of permissive parents generally have difficulty controlling their impulses, are immature and reluctant to accept responsibility.
Authoritative parenting
According to experts, an authoritative parenting style is more likely to be successful. Authoritative parents are responsive and demanding. They are warm and communicate well with their children.
At the same time, they retain their authority, stay in control and expect mature, socially responsible and self-regulated behaviour from their children. They respect their children's independence and decisions, but are assertive and set clear standards for the children's behaviour. They tend to rely on supportive discipline rather than punishment.
The researchers found that the best-adjusted children, had parents with an authoritative parenting style. The authoritative parent permits the child enough freedom of expression so that he can develop a sense of independence.
The question is, how do authoritative parents teach their children the lessons they need to learn while still enabling them to feel good about themselves? These are the things that authoritative parents keep in mind while disciplining their children:
• They stay calm. Yelling, screaming and slamming doors teaches your child that it's okay to lose control if you don't get your way. If you think you are going to lose your cool, take a time-out to recompose.
• They don't criticise the child. Make sure your child understands that it is the behaviour that you're not happy with, and not with him as a person.
• They don't constantly praise. Although praise is critical, too much praise can lose effectiveness. Refrain from praising your child for routine tasks, but always thank them.
• They focus on the positive. Instead of focussing on the negative, offer positive reinforcement. Say "Thank you for putting your toys away" instead of "It's good to see that you've put your toys away for change without my asking".
• They don't spank. Spanking breaks down your child's confidence, makes him feel completely powerless, and teaches him that aggression is an acceptable way of dealing with problems.
• They reward and praise good behaviour. Reward your child with positive attention when he's been following the rules or trying to do what you want. Give him a hug or a kiss when he has been sitting quietly or sharing his toys, or verbally approve of his behaviour by saying "You did a great job when you…!" or "I like it when…" (remember to be specific and to name the behaviour, so don't just say "Good boy!").
• They understand the difference between a reward and a bribe. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something while a bribe is given in advance to try to convince him to do what you want. Avoid bribes.
• They are good role models. You can hardly expect your child to do what you say and not what you do. For example, if you throw temper tantrums, swear and slam doors, can you really expect your child to behave differently?
• They provide choices when appropriate. This allows your child to feel independent and teaches him to make decisions. Give them a choice when there is one (such as "Do you want to set the table or empty the dustbin?"), but don't give them an option when they have to comply to a rule (don't ask "Do you want to bath?", just say "It's time for your bath").
• They make good behaviour fun. Instead of barking "Pick up your toys or else!", make it fun by saying "Let's see who can pick up the most toys in ten minutes" or something to that effect.
• They provide safe and loving environments in which the child feels secure, valued and loved.
Tips on effective discipline
In addition to the above points to keep in mind when disciplining your child, you may find the following tips helpful:
• Implement a reward system. Have a reward system or chart on which you define tasks and allocate stars or ticks when the child has met the requirements. Set a minimum number of stars or ticks needed to get a reward at the end of the week (or whatever interval you choose). Let him choose from reward options that are age-appropriate and that he considers fun (an ice-cream, going to the zoo, eating out, extra pocket money, etc).
• Be consistent and follow through. Consequences should be predictable. Your child should always know what the consequences are for his actions and that they are not just empty threats.
• Think ahead. Don't just wing it. Often the first thing that pops into your mind is not the best thing to say. Take time to think what you'll say and how you'll react when your child misbehaves. Consider ways you can help him to understand the consequences of his actions.
• Don't give in when your child whines, cries or throws a temper tantrum. This will teach your child that he can get what he wants by behaving like this.
• Discipline and rewards should be immediate. For your child to associate the behaviour with the consequence, avoid waiting more than a few minutes.
• Ignore minor transgressions. Harmless or unimportant misbehaviours should be ignored. If you don't sweat the small stuff, you usually get compliance on the big things.
• Only repeat commands once. A very wise woman (okay, my mother!) used to tell her children, "I only ask once". Avoid repeating commands over and over again. You may repeat the command once and state what the consequences of non-compliance will be. If your child does not follow the command, apply the consequences.
• Be flexible. Always listen to your child's input on rules and consequences. Children feel empowered when they have a say in the family rules and what will happen to people who don't adhere to them.
• Use "I" messages. Say "I feel…" or "It upsets me…". By using "you" ("You make me angry…") you are communicating that there is something "wrong" with your child or that you disapprove of him and not his behaviour.
• Always explain. After disciplining your child, always explain the rule, why his behaviour wasn't acceptable, and what more appropriate behaviour would have been. Discipline is about teaching your child what is and is not appropriate, and not punishing him for his mistakes.
• Use natural, logical consequences. Consequences should always relate to the behaviour. Explain for example, that if he throws his toys, they might break and then he can't play with them anymore, instead of sending him to his room.
It's not always easy to keep your cool and do the right thing. Sometimes when your child misbehaves or has a temper tantrum, you snap and say the most horrible things or dish out a swat before your brain knows what your hand is doing.
We are here, however, to teach them how to be socially responsible, confident, independent and productive members of society when they grow up. We teach them nothing by yelling at them or smacking them.
Always keep the "goal" of discipline in mind when you have to apply it and you'll know what to do.[/left][/left][/quote][/quote]