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Stepfather is so difficult
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Guest
#1 Posted : Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:58:20 PM(UTC)
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My fiance want me to cut off all communication with the biological father of my 5yr old daughter.he also does not want her to see or visit her father as long as we stay under his house.We are getting married in march and i am thinking of cutting off the wedding,not that im being selfish im doing this for my daughter. I dont kno if is thre any other option.
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Guest
#2 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:34:20 AM(UTC)
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No, put your takkies on and run!
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Guest
#3 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:34:59 AM(UTC)
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If this is the way your fiancé is going to be then I don't see a future for the 2 of you. If there was no child involved it might be a different story but your ex is your daughters father. You cannot take him away from her, she will grow up resenting you for not allowing her to see her father.......that is even if you get it right in court which I doubt as the courts favour both mom and dad and unless the father is an alcoholic, drug addict and abusive to the child I don't see them granting sole custody to you and you alone. I think your ex is being very self centered, if he loves you unconditionally he would accept this. I have a daughter who is now 10 years old but her father and I have been apart for 8 of those years, he sees her as often as he wants and in actual fact my husband now gets alone very well with him. Good Luck
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YesYes
#4 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:40:16 AM(UTC)
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Good move. Hit the road. he is jealous, insecure and a control freak.
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Guest
#5 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:43:12 AM(UTC)
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i think its the best thing if you call things off cause from the way things sound it seems he is a control freak and you just inviting trouble in your life kick his a$$ and move on
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Guest
#6 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:43:48 AM(UTC)
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Already the doubt in your mind should tell you what to do. If there is no issue with your daughters bio dad, there will be no reason to stop her seeing him, in fact, you would only be doing your daughter a great injustice.

Postpone the wedding or lay some ground rules. Your daughter has a RIGHT to see her father!
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Guest
#7 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:44:00 AM(UTC)
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He can not and should not stop you or your child from making contact or seeing your ex........You had a life with your ex and that must be respected, especially for your childs sake. My advice would be to get out of this realtionship ASAP!!!! Good luck.
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Guest
#8 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:53:53 AM(UTC)
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Run away as fast as you can. Doesn't the man understand that the most important people in any divorce are the children. They have their whole lives ahead of them and communication between parents is an important factor.
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johannp
#9 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:56:10 AM(UTC)
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Uhm, if Stepdad has insecurity issues then ditch him now. He can and never will replace the dad
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Guest
#10 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:04:47 AM(UTC)
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Hello

sorry to hear your dilemma , i think for the sake of baby u should have contact with your ex.

dont let anymore dictate to you want you believe is right

Shame on you
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Guest
#11 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:13:34 AM(UTC)
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Everything has basically been said. As a father it is impossible for me to still communicate with my daughter without having to communicate with her mother. My wife respects that and my ex's husband respects that. Remember that it is all about the child and not ourselves.
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Guest
#12 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:16:18 AM(UTC)
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You shouldn't be told what you can or cannot do. Tell him you have no intention of breaking contact with your daughters father and let him make the decision to stay or leave. If he accepts your decision and stays then you win; if he goes then then you also win as a controller is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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Havesomethingtosay
#13 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:34:49 AM(UTC)
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If I were in the same situation I would stuff the engagement ring up his nose and walk away. Those kind of people are mental abusers of the worst kind, and physical abuse usually follows eventually. Look after yourself and your daughter's happiness - jealousy from a spouse = relationship rage. There is no dignity or respect.
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AlexCowling
#14 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:34:50 AM(UTC)
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Hi there,

I’m a step-mom and I must admit that the thought of my husband’s ex being completely out our lives sometimes is the best prospect imaginable. A lot of these responses are “attacking” the step-dad. But why shouldn’t he feel jealous, he knows you have to have a close relationship with someone you used to love for next decade. It’s daunting. I personally don’t agree with his reaction, so I think the best way to handle this is to not get emotional about the situation and show him the law. This is from the children’s act:

35. Refusal of access or refusal to exercise parental responsibilities and rights.— wrote:
(1) Any person having care or custody of a child who, contrary to an order of any court or to a parental responsibilities and rights agreement that has taken effect as contemplated in section 22 (4), refuses another person who has access to that child or who holds parental responsibilities and rights in respect of that child in terms of that order or agreement to exercise such access or such responsibilities and rights or who prevents that person from exercising such access or such responsibilities and rights is guilty of an offence and liable on conviction to a fine or to imprisonment for a period not exceeding one year.


With a good lawyer your ex could nail you with this part of the act for not answering your phone.

21. Parental responsibilities and rights of unmarried fathers.— wrote:
(1) The biological father of a child who does not have parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child in terms of section 20, acquires full parental responsibilities and rights in respect of the child


This means if you try doing anything with the kid without clearing it with the father, you will “preventing him from exercising such rights” and could land up in jail.

You can then say something like “so here’s the law and I don’t think you want to be married to someone in prison”

Hope this helps :)
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Guest
#15 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:40:51 AM(UTC)
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Do you and your daughter honestly want to spend the rest of your lives with a person who is controlling you? How on earth is your daughter going to have a normal relationship with her father if her stepfather already feels like this? No matter what has happened in the past you will always have a connection with your daughters father because you had a child together and you are going to have to communicate with him regards expenses, schooling, birthdays etc. Tell the new man in your life to get over himself and his insecurities and if he can't then tell him to take a hike otherwise you and your daughter are going to be very miserable down the line. The best scenario for your daughters sake is if everyone can get on and it is possible with just a little bit of effort FROM EVERYONE. Good luck!
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Guest
#16 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 11:56:30 AM(UTC)
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when you divorced I would imagine your hubby was granted visitation rights. You have to honour this and your new hubby must accept it. If he doesn't then it will be a problem throughout the marriage.
And to be quite honest why should a child be denied access to her father?
good luck with your decision
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Guest
#17 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:23:56 PM(UTC)
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Unless your ex is extremely manupulative and/or abusive and contact with him poses a danger for your daughter's emotional and/or physical well-being get out of there as quickly as you can!! No man who loves you (and your daughter) and has the welfare of your daughter and yourself as objective will make such a demand unless you are exposing yourself and your daughter to abuse from your ex (you need to answer this question very, very carefully). Unless your ex is a real threat, there is no way that your intended husband's demands can be construed as a loving, caring or concerned
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elsabe.dejager
#18 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:25:53 PM(UTC)
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No you do not marry him. Your daughter is the most important thing and you have to communicate with her dad to ensure that your daughter gets the best in life. The split is already traumatic for her - dont complicate her life even more.
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#19 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:31:02 PM(UTC)
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All the advice so far appears to be win-lose approach.... I suggest the following:

Sitdown and discuss his concerns and worries about the relationship
Express the positive of your relationship and your commitment to him...especially how your current relationship will not be "impacted " by this
Express the need for the child to see the father

Work towards a win win situation......then his concerns are address, your concerns are address and the child is happy as well
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Guest
#20 Posted : Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:51:31 PM(UTC)
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run away from him his not worthy it, your child must come first. you'll find a righ one to get along with both of you.
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