Hi Guys,

I have a friend whose child refuses to go and visit her father for weekends and holidays, currently she is being forced to go by the mother as she is afraid of being prosecuted in accordance with the childrens act. This is a brilliant child but I am afraid she will suffer emotianal scars, or retaliate in future. The mother is very keen on helping the child but there is a high court order in place w.r.t. shared custody. As far as the hild goes she is 7 1/2 years old and when you ask her why she does not want to go, she just says because the are ugly people (physically she means), or that she misses her mom and "new dad" (the stepfather) or that she does not want to talk about it. My understanding is that her father once said to the mother that she is his child and he does not care if she screams and kicks the whole weekend she will go with him and visit him. I am sure there is a way to reduce the custody agreement or something as the fathers will is overpowering the mother to give in and in the end the child is suffering. The child wishes this guy is dead. What can I suggest to the mother please advise.

Well said. Firstly, whilst one can understand your concern for your friend and there is nothing wrong to advise her. The ultimate decision lies with the mother and is not your decision.
I was going to suggest as well that the child should see a good child psychologist to determine what the problem is. No matter how good the step-dad may be, it is not her real father and will never be. I believe firmly that the child should have both parents in their life. As it is the situation is very difficult for a child and it should be made as normal as possible. What goes on at home, not even you would know. Children pick up everything and often interpret things they have heard incorrectly. Is the mother and the step father speaking negatively about the father in front of her or where she can hear these things etc. and now she associates it as a bad thing etc.
Remember, there are always two sides to a story and both sides need to be considered.

As apposed to serial numbers reply, the only part they got right was the see a social worker part, in terms of the law you are legally obliged to honor any court order in regards to visitation as long as such order does not violate the democratic rights of the minor, HOWEVER, if the child does not want to see her/his father you need to contact your attorney and or child service case worker and notify them of the situation. The case worker will have an interview with the child and if there are concerns as to the welfare of the child whether physical or mental, the social worker will either stop visitation or enforce supervised visits with the father. The law is very specific in its wording which places the welfare of the child above that of the parents. if welfare decides it is not in the child's best interest to see the father, he will still be responsible for maintenance. the same apply in situation where the father/ mother bad mouths the other parent during visitation which is also valid grounds for having visitation rights overturned.

Contrary to popular belief both parents are NOT required to ensure well balance children, and studies in fact show that where a parent is not up to scratch is is in the best interests of the child to terminate contact with that parent.

I as a man won full custody of my three daughters, all of who refused to visit or have any communication with their mother, their refusal to visit her was upheld by the court as their personal right ( my youngest daughter was four at the time)and they only started to visit her when they were in their teens.

No matter how good the step-dad may be, it is not her real father and will never be.

I assume you are in a similar position to make such comments??

I agree that she needs to visit her biological father.

Just a reminder to people out there not in a similar situation, first of all the word "step father" is one of the ugliest descriptions out there secondly, and I'm not saying it's the case here but being the biological father doesn't make you a parent or a father.......otherwis a sperm donor should have the same rights as any other parent.

I married my wife when her daughter was 1 and a half years old, so basically according to you I am not her father??? A father is the caring person who provides and cares for his children (adopted/from a previous marriage/own) and it's not determined by biology!

I totally disagree with the fact that childre need both parent to function well in life. I have been a single mother to my teenage daughter basically since she was born. I do know know where her father is as he decided long ago that he does not want to be part of his child's life. My daughte is a well grounded, well balanced, respoectful and intelligent child and we have so much fun together. Even if her father comes back into the picture and wants to see her, I will leave it totally up to my daughter to decide if she wants to or not.

Forcing a child to see a parent is not right. No one know how she is treated when she is at her visits and a lot of factors must be considered besides the fact that she is her father. It does not make sense to me and I will not let my child go through that. I would present the case to a social worker and at least settle for csupervised visits if it comes to that.

Hmmm I don't think the child should be forced to see the father because I mean maybe just maybe the child has a good reason like in my case my baby's father last saw her in 2008 October. I never call him and ask him about it,if he choose not to see his child-then it's fine by me.I will take the responsibility once my girl is old enough to understand but as for now-My girl and I very happy together.

women such as you are the women men should far away from. The day will come when men will wake and see that most divorced women are just like and just like they exes.

Hi there, I had pretty much the same problem. My daughter had just turned 4 at the time. We were separated since she was 18 months. I eventually couldn't handle it anymore. I went to see the social worker. She did an assessment on my daughter, during this time all access and contact was halted. During the assessment we found out that my daughter was molested (according to the law, it is raped as her penetrated her with his finger) by her father at the age of 22months. She never said anything to anyone as she was been manipulated and threatened by him. I opened a case against him very quickly. The social worker also gave a letter stating that there was to be no access or contact during the assessment, and the court can't do anything to change it as it is in the best interest of the child. Also if the mother pays all the social workers costs, the social worker is not obligated to provide the father with information asto where the assessment is going - which was the option that I took. At least by seeing a social worker, one would be ruling out sexual abuse. I must say that I found a social worker much more helpful to my situation than the two phsychologists that I went to. If I could do everything over again, I wouldn'tgo to the psychologists, only the social worker. Social workers are also a lot cheaper than phsychologists.