Hi Shera,

First off- congrats on becoming a semi-step-mommy! There is nothing better—I have two step kids and none of my own but they completely rock my world!

First off your boyfriend is just as much of a parent as the mom. They share rights in terms of the child if he does the following (“new” children’s act 2005);
1) Admits he is the father (in other words doesn't deny the fact that he is the dad)
2) Pays maintenance
3) and plays active role in the child's life

In other words—he needs to keep going!

She doesn't have the right to dictate all the decision making, the dad is also allowed to call the shots. She is going to leave she child with people at some point that your boyfriend isn’t going to approve of, and equally he is allowed to do the same. Legally…

But here’s the important part, if you’re putting the kid first every time then you’re safe, this includes special dad time and setting an example of a stable “mommy/daddy” dynamic.

Your boyfriend needs to start exercising his rights now and PUT THEM IN WRITING (parenting plan), because before you know it she’ll start using the standard arguments against your boyfriend; “She doesn’t know you”, “She’s scared of you”, “She only trusts me”, “We can’t disrupt her routine” and other excuses.

Good luck!

Thanks Robi and Alex.
New development - The mother has just phoned by boyfriend advising that she will be registering their daughter with her surname unless he signs an affidavit confirming that I will never have any contact with their daughter. What right does this woman have to dictate to him? I have done nothing to this woman besides have her ex fall in love with me and what she doesn't understand is that nothing is going to change between them even if I am not in the picture. How do you get through to someone like this?

I would have to agree with Static. Remember that it is not your child, you have no rights over it and can not expect any. As unreasonable as the ex is, its her child.

As for your boyfriend, he should obtain legal advise as to what his rights are. He can also find out if its unreasonable for he to dictate to him what to do. But remember, he has rights in this, you don't.

And as distasteful as it is, he should ask for a paternity test. Its better to make 100% sure now that he is the farther now and avoid further drama later.

Lastly I would also ask why you would want to see the child? Surely it would be in your best interest to stay away from the ex as far as possible, and seeing the child and the ex would go hand in hand.

I agree with static. Stay out of it. You don't mention your ages, but I assume you're still young. The mother of the child has more rights than you have and the matter is between her and the child's father.

Hi

While I can sympathise, the facts are:
1. You're not married to the guy and you're not the child's stepmother. So she is within her rights to refuse you access.
2. It sounds like there's already a lot of bad blood between you and her. As someone said, if you plan to marry the guy, stay out of the situation. Your boyfriend will have to work out his parental access issue with his ex-girlfriend, and if she dislikes you and feels that you are interfering with her life ( and that child is a big aspect of it and since and she are neither family or friends and you don't have rights to her life), she may very well refuse him to spite you. And he won't thank you for it.
3. Your boyfriend is not married to his ex. Therefore, she is within her rights to register her child with her own name.
4. It sounds like the ex is willing to use her child as a weapon against your ex. that battle may go on until the child is an adult. Plan for the long term and stop reacting to the short-term. Even if the child is registered in the ex's name, over the years, her anger may soften and there'll be better relations. If you don't mess things up by demanding that you be granted rights now.

Alex I do understand that you are trying your very best to help those who are or may become step-mommies and I applaud your commitment to your husband and his family BUT..

When I had issues with my ex's live in partner who also happened to be the mother of my step daughter who was basically raised by me from age 5 until she was 10, I was told by the family advocate and the psychologist that the first and most important relationship is between the child and her father and that the "girl-friend' should step back and allow that relationship the chance to develop.
She wouldn't and now we have a situation where my child only sees her father every second Sunday, he is allowed no further contact with his child. That is what a live in girlfriend/partner is capable of doing.

I am not suggesting for one moment that Shera would be this jealous and vindictive but she should allow her boyfriend to first gain the baby's mothers trust before they start demanding things.
Hormonally the mother is probably still very wobbly after the birth, it can take up to a year for a woman to gain equilibrium again and that should be taken into account too. I am sure that the mother, if she genuinely has the baby's best interest at heart will not deprive the father of his child.
The bond between the father and the child must be allowed to develop without interference or hinderance from anyone.

It might be a good idea for Shera and her boyfriend to consult a child psychologist for some adivce, I certainly don't think that anyone who is emotionally involved should be a mediator.

I do hope that good sense and love will prevail in this case.

Hi Shera, no I have never insisted that she should never have contact with our child, that would be absurd as at some point she would have to get used to the idea that her dad was with someone else. My only stipulation was that our daughter should have some one on one time with her dad for the first couple of visits or so, but the new lady would not allow that.
I have to add that I was the one who more or less brought up this woman's daughter, very complicated situation but basically my ex went back to his ex girlfriend M after we were divorced, but I in fact found out that they had been seeing one another for the whole 6 years of our marriage on and off.
Even knowing that I would never have stopped my ex from seeing his child, he is the one who could not stand up for her and say that no one was going to lay down the law to him when he could and couldn't see her.
I genuinely hope and pray that this works out for you all, and that this mother does not carry out her threat of keeping your boyfriends child away from him. Lots of luck and much happiness to you all.