I am married with 2 kids. My first child was born out of wed lock to a different father. My husband was a darling to [my] child, for well over a year, until i gave birth to his own. I must say he is not the type to smack a child, and on the contrary i am, but his demina and the way he talks to her has changed completely. He is harsh to her, shouts even when its unneccesary. The worst thing that drives me over the edge is him holding grudges for her. He would shout at her for something, and a day later he would still be grovelling at her, when she has forgotten all about it and speaking or trying to play with him like any child would do. He would be playing with his son and hugging him, when she tries to join in, he will always dismiss her.
[My] daughter is not the sharpest crayon in the box, that i must say. She is the type that you have to tell the same thing over and over, which is frustrating, for all of us. She is 9, and i know<maybe im wrong>, that at her age she should be showing signs of growing up, eg, not to be told everytime that brush your teeth, come back for lunch when playing with ur friends etc. She also forgets everything, i mean everything. She comes back from school everyday with something missing from crayon to lunch box to jersey, but that is not the ground for always being on her case. As much as i also gets frustrated, and pinch her thighs, i try understand that she is only a child. He says this days she doesnt listen to her, and once said maybe its the adverse effects of what she picks from him.

She would be saying or asking something innocently, and the answer that comes would know me down to dizziness. Initially i'd wait for the child to move somewhere before i try to adress the issue. That would be my que to an hour's argument. He will personalise it, and turn into a "because im not her father argument", while telling me that i sat the whole time saying nothing, so i was over analizing and blowing everything out of proportion. This morning we had one such again, and softly i told him that it was not nice the way he spoke to her. God did he flip, raised his voice and an argument immediately erupted. This happens while we are driving to work, and i am very worried about the damage that this arguments does to her. I must say our relationship is not easy, at least for me, cos as much as all couples argue, our is too often. 99% of the time is when i show him something the wrong that he did, be it blasts me or her with his upleasant words, when its really unneccesary. We have even consulted a psycologist, after one morning when we argued to a point i couldnt go to work. I just booked a session and told him we are going, cos i felt defeated and wanted out. I can write a ten pager, but i really tried to summarise. I always ask myself whether am i compromising my child's happiness and well being for mine?? PLEASE ADVICE??

This is a very sensitive issue ConcernedB, unfortunately there is no manual book for parenting. I also have a step son (13 yrs). For the past 2 years, we have drifted apart and I am not sure what is the reason. In most cases, the issue is discipline and all the psychological changes that he is experiencing (resulting in him being moody and, at time, being disrespectful towards other people in the house except me). As the experts always advice, as a biological mother, you need to take full control of discipline and not compromise or spoil her. This is the time when she is developing her skills as a young woman. Maybe you need to consider attending therapy as a couple- snaping in front of kids or about kids is not going to help either. While they are growing up, both kids need to be treated equally because they did not create this situation.

While my culture as an black African dictates that kids born out of wedlock should be left at their maternal (mother's) home, today's situation makes that impossible. The challenge for us as step dads is that we always attach the biological dad's face to the child. I am hoping he agrees to therapy and you get help, for the sake of your daughter and son. Good luck!

ConcernedB, this does not sound healthy for anyone involved - the fights border on abuse - I'd even say on the wrong side of the line.

Him playing the "not my child card" is SO WRONG!!! You are a family now and he in essence adopted her.

You as couple should definitely go for counseling.

Thanks guys for your comments. Its really comforts me that someone understands where i come from. You know when you are in this kind of situation, especially a situation that you cannot prove with a scar or a bump, you find yourself second guessing your own concerns and feelings, like "am i unreasonable", or "am i blowing a mole hill into a mountain?".

My husband is a very complicated person, not even sure whether he will still agree to be dragged to therapy! The last time we went there, he told me not in so many words that i wasted money.
But the good thing here is that, after the recent mouth blows in the car, he apologised and acknowledged that he has a problem, and he needs help. But how do i help him?? He apologised via Email, and when we got home, he apologised again, but i didnt even know what to say to him. I wanted to talk, but i felt too weak for another argument.
Treading on the line of abuse??? I said it a whole lot of times to him, and he told me how unreasonable i am. I even told the therapist that thats how i felt, but i guess emotional abuse is always a subject that lies in the Grey Area as there is no tangible proof. I really want us to smooth things out, cos on another day, he is a husband that all girls dream about.