Hi, all.

I am involved in a relationship with a wonderful woman who has two adorable children from her previous marriage. I'm also divorced, but I don't have children of my own. I love her two kids, a girl aged 10 and a boy aged 7 - I see them as an added blessing, not as baggage. I have every intention of getting married to my girlfriend.

A bit of necessary background: When the girl was about two and my girlfriend was about six months along with the boy, her ex, the children's father, walked out. He isn't in the picture, doesn't pay a cent of maintenance, doesn't see the kids and is for all practical purposes untraceable. The logical consequence is that the boy has never seen his father. My girlfriend wasn't involved in any romantic relationships since her divorce.

We were spending some time with the kids and the boy called me father. Like I mentioned, I have every intention of marrying her, but two questions remain:
1. Is the boy accepting me as a father figure too soon?
2. There is always that nagging "what if" kinds of questions: How badly will it affect him if things don't work out the way his mother and I intend them to?

On the one hand I think it is amazing that he, the way we intend things to go, accepts me as a father figure; if nothing else it is awfully flattering but frightening at the same time. On the other hand, what do I do now?

My girlfriend and I discussed the matter but we are unable to come up with clear-cut answers to this. The core of the problem is this:

How do I/my girlfriend/we make a seven year-old boy understand that it may be too soon to accept me as a father figure yet? And how do I/we adjust our thinking and understanding so as to relate to his experience?

Thank you Henrih8. I will definitely keep the psychologist thing in mind, for both (for all?) our sakes.

As someone who grew up in a "whole" hom, I realise that there are probably more issues to deal with than meets the eye (or that the mind can comprehend) and I think yours is sound advice.

Thank you for that.

Hi Nick
I have a daughter from a previous relationship and both my now husband and i were completely caught off guard, when she started calling him Daddy. She was 3 going on 4 at the time. I can relate to the overwhelming fear and pride. Even though her "father" was also a sperm donor, i made sure that she knew about him. I was very open and honest and explained the difference between "father" ie, sperm donor and "daddy" ie supportive figure that can be relied upon to be there. I did not want for her to reach adolescence and rebel because she never knew her father, so honesty was the way to go. After 15years, I am glad to say that it has worked.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, be honest, but gentle. Children grasp more than we give them credit for. If he asks difficult questions, answer him. If he doesn't understand, explain that he will when he gets older. Children appreciate honesty as much as adults and it will build he's trust.

Uncle Nick,

As you mention in your letter, you come from a 'whole' home. What a privilage! Every child deserves a mother and a father and there are very important psychological development stages that each offers.

What you are doing is providing that father figure for both these children at the moment. A noble thing to do. Right now you are in a stable relationship with their mother and have every intention to keep it that way. What else can you do for these children at this stage? I don't think much.

If you are not the father figure to these children, who will be? You cannot predict the future but you need to look at the scenario pragmatically. Remember, life is not always fair and none of us are really qualified to bring up children so we just have to do the best we can do at the time.

I wish you and your girlfriend and the children all the best.

After my divorce my son was very keen that the new boyfriend should be a Father to him. In other words every child wants to believe that the man right there is his Father. He does need to know the truth about his real Father though but do not say you are NOT his Father because I think that would hurt him. I think the psychologist should know how you must tell him of his real Father. Meanwhile in his eyes you are his Father, enjoy it and stop worrying.

I know I'm responding 3 months late, however knowing the background of children who come from these type of situations it is difficult to understand. Children who had a bad or no relationship with their parents (mom/Dad or both) will react this way.

This is a signal of no understanding of what bonding is. Would you tell a woman on a 1st or 2nd date that you love her? these feelings need to develop.

Now this is not all BAD, so please understand this. The child has found a liking in you.
Get professional help here. Go and do a program on bonding with your child. It also help a lot to do this with your own kid as our lives are such a rush that we often lose that touch/relationship by trying to provide.

DID this myself and wow what a relationship do I have with my children. One is a teen and the other just short of becoming one. 2 girls who have a relationship with dad that they know will understand them, support them and work through any situation, problem or no problem