I have custody of my two children from a previous marriage. Both girls, ages 13 and 11. They were removed from their mother because of abuse by their mother’s boyfriend, who is also facing criminal charges because of what he did to my 11 year old. The mother has broken up with him, however with her financial position, I doubt she will ever get our kids back, and is currently not allowed visits with them, as she tried to hide what her boyfriend was doing to them.

I was remarried about 1 ½ years ago to a woman who is 11 years younger than me. She had no children of her own and at the time we were married, I did not have custody of my two. I got custody of my two 9 months ago. Before we were married, my new wife was excellent to my kids whenever we would visit with them. She would play games with them, take them swimming, shopping, etc. the things that I think a step-parent should do. After we were married, we took the girls for 5 weeks over summer and once again, she was excellent with them. A few weeks after we returned my kids to their mother, they were removed from her care and placed with me full time.

Since then, it seems things have deteriorated. My new wife now treats my children like garbage. I don’t know what to do to either correct her behavior toward them, or to call it quits. She has never hit them or done anything else physical to them, it has all been verbal. She acts like she is their actual biological mother, not their step-mother. The kids don’t call her mom, or step-mom, they refer to her by her first name. I have tried talking with them one-on-one and they won’t give me a straight answer. Whenever the wife talks to them, they give her dirty looks and usually won’t say anything. The wife then blames me in that I’m not disciplining them enough and not getting them to “love her”. She has called them “stupid”, “ungrateful” and yells at them all the time. It seems there is never any civility in our home when it comes to the kids. The kids are both ADHD which can be challenging at times. They have both had all of their toys taken away and when I give something back to them, I am made to seem like the bad-guy for giving in to their behavior. My older daughter likes to read books a lot and the wife will get extremely upset that she is being ignored by her.

My job currently has me working the night shift, so I am sleeping during the day when the wife is up with the kids taking care of them. I haven’t noticed anything physical, but I am worried that something may happen in the future. The wife says she is constantly stressed to the breaking point and doesn’t know what to do with them. I have tried talking to her on numerous occasions and she will improve her attitude toward them for a few days, and then they will do something that sets her off again and we go through it all over again until I have another talk with her. It seems like a never ending cycle.

I need some advice on how to proceed with this. I won’t lose my children, have I waited long enough for her behavior to change or should I keep trying to stick it out with her. Now that it’s summer break for the kids, I only fear that it will get worse.

Hi Military-Dad

I am a step-mom, so I hope I can give you some helpful advice based on my experience. Your wife is most likely struggling to deal with the current situation in the right way. It can be really hard to play a role in raising children that are not your own. Your wife may just be acting this way because she feels lost and frustrated. She probably doesn't know how to properly deal with the situation and she didn't have the chance to gradually acclimatise as a bio-parent does.

Keep in mind all of the emotions that your children will go through as well. They may really like, or even love their step-mom; however, they are likely to experience feelings of guilt and betrayal. They may even resent her for their mother's inadequacies. These feelings can cause them to act out toward her and this may even be behind your back. This will cause a lot of underlying tension between her and the children.

I would recommend that you look into family counselling. I am not sure about your financial situation. If you cannot afford private counselling; contact FAMSA to see if they can assist. You have a new family arrangement now, and it may be the best of both worlds for you, but it will be hard for your wife and children to adapt. Therapy like this will assist you by giving you the right emotional tools for the job.

I have also found that going on holiday together or spending some time outdoors on the weekends doing "family" things can be a big help. Try taking walks together or having a picnic in the park e.t.c

I would also suggest you encourage the children to spend alone time with you and with their step-mom. Let them pick something fun to do with each of you separately. They will have a chance to get all your attention for an hour or two which will really help them feel secure and loved. They also need alone time with step-mom so they can bond with her and get to really know her as a person.

Lastly, remember that you still need to nurture your relationship with your wife. She needs a bit of your attention too. So get a baby-sitter and have a date night every now and then. It's very easy to feel sidelined by the children when they are not yours. A step-mother's biggest fear is that her husband doesn't have enough room in his life for her and the children.

Really like the reply from Lollipop. It is a totally different situation being on holiday with someone as to a permanent situation. Even in split up parents where the kids go to one parent infrequently for holidays etc they tend to see that parent as being wonderful, while the one responsible for the daisy living discipline etc is immediately the "wicked witch" The situation you describe is underpinned by fear, anxiety and a host of other subtle emotions that they all do not know how to cope with. I would say you all could do with some emotional education as individuals and as a family to remember the real values that you have individually. Once this is achieved you will find that the family will naturally compose itself into a close and open unit.