Help help help!!!! I have spent most of the day searching for answers on my actions but I think the best would be to hear from other parents that may have been in a similar situation. My son is four years old. He is very independent and intelligent. We have taught him that if he hurts someone he should always apologise. Since the beginning of this year he has become increasingly disruptive, I try having moments just with him to rollplay his behaviour, mom and son time just playing, going to the movies and parks. I have a 10 year old daughter and I feel that he robs her of our time. Last night was the most extreme I've ever seen him and I'll sketch the evening.

We got home, just the two o us. We started playing with our puppies and it was great fun. After a few minutes he starting hurting the puppies by squeezing them and picking them up incorrectly. I started explaining how he should hold them and play with them and then he started cursing the F word an saying shut up mom you not a good mom. We ended that activity and I made him a snack, in the process he saw cream in the fridge and wanted it. I explained that it was almost supper time and he could have it. He exploded and I ignored him. When he calmed down I explained that the behaviour was not necessary that he would have time to have the cream when we have dessert. Next it was bath time and he wanted a specific pj and I couldn't find it. I have never seen him like this he flipped out and again repeated that I am a bad mommy and he wanted to get a new mommy. Between each statement he made sure to use the F word. I had finally had enough I told him that I am timing him out for 4 minutes (his age) but he would sit on the time out spot. I did this over and over again. He finally went from crying to laughing all the while cursing me!

then the worse happened, I told him that he needs to stop cursing or I will put chillies in his mouth. He continued to laugh and said I wouldn't do it because I am a bad mommy...I counted to three and then took a chillie half it and rubbed it against his teeth. He wouldn't open his mouth. I felt so bad but he continued to laugh and said that it is not burning. It was a big fat mild chillie and I decided to put a few of the pips in his mouth it really burned this time and he freaked out. He cried so sadly, I gave him milk and it was still burning. At this stage my husband came home and helped me try all sorts of things to stop the burn. I am sitting here and I cant forgive myself...

And next time he swears at you you grab that chilli and don't be apologetic about it. You'll probably end up crying too like we all do but sometimes we just have to tough it out. Stick it out and he won't be swearing for long. I also have a 4year old son and I have to be tough sometimes even if I feel terribly guilty about it afterwards. Luckily we haven't had the F word yet. If he tries it he'll get the chilli too.

Mom do not worry I think his actions was very very bad and that you did the right thing. He must know that there are consequences for his actions. A chilli is really not that bad and you did no permanent damadge to him. I think he is just at and age were he is taking chances and he will push you to get a response. I think you will fail your child of you just let him get of scotfree every time he gets ahissy fit or misbehaves. It will get easier

Don't feel bad about disciplining your child. It is your responsibility. Where has he been picking up these swear words? Think about that. Fix the problem at its root.

Well done! next time don’t wash out the burn. it's about time parents started disciplining their children

Do not feel bad. He had enough warning of the consequences. It would have been bad if you did not follow through.

Also remember chillies are very nutritious and the burn was not dangerous (dont try with habaneros etc....)

In my opinion, you need to try other measures of discipline and stick to it. My son turns 4 next month, and I do believe he understands full well right from wrong. He's quick to point out if we are using bad words, but he does test and take chances.
One of the problems we are having lately is meal times, where he wants to watch TV and have supper at the same time, on my bed. He only got into this habit because I had to keep him home for a week due to mumps, and had the domestic looking after him while I was at work. While she took really good care of him, he also had that much more freedom. At 4, no child needs that freedom.
As tough as it can be sometimes, the new rules are now - play, bath, supper, then TV for an hour or so. It is getting better each day, but I've got to stick to it. He takes chances, but I quickly remind him we have a deal. No fussing of any kind during supper, if there is fussing, then no TV at all.
The star chart has also worked wonders, kids love to be rewarded.

I must say, my mother also did the same to us, as you did to your son with the chilli, and we were no way near as naughty. I know you already feel bad, but it is rather cruel.
I also feel bad and guilty disciplining my son, but how else will they learn, and know boundaries?

You're probably feeling guilty but don't! You were at your wits end trying to make your son behave whilst having to put up with his abuse towards you. I would have done the same.
I had a discussion with some friends last week and they were saying that their children (especially teenagers) are increasingly back-chatting and pushing the boundaries and they are not sure what to do. It suddenly dawned on me that it's our own fault!!! We get treated the way that we let others treat us. Parents shouldn't have to be friends with their children but we all do it because we want so badly to be liked by our children - we want them to include us in their lives and like us which is why we have a hard time saying no to them. However, it is our DUTY to discpline them and put them back in their place when they get out of hand. No child ever died from having a cellphone taken away or for being grounded for a week when all their friends are out playing. We are the problem.
Your son is rebelling and seeing how far you will be pushed. Don't let him! If you allow him to do it once he will assume he can always get away with it and he can't - it's not appropriate behaviour and his mother did not deserve that after a long day.
I am certain that a lot of what I call "new age parents" wouldn't agree and would prefer a further time out or some other method of punishment but I remember years ago when my three year old niece decided to bite me, twice! I picked her up, sat her down hard on a couch and bit her so hard on the upper arm that I left a mark for days. It hurt her badly - but she had hurt me too. She never ever bit another person again. It worked. I felt terrible and apologised to my sister who told me that she would have done the same to my niece if she was the one who was bitten - her mother forgave me and told me that sometimes children need to feel. I agree!
Hopefully next time your son wants to back chat and swear and say awful things he'll remember the time you put chilli in his mouth and bite his tongue? Remind him of it tonight as soon as you get home and see if it worked, I bet it did! Good luck!

When my son was little, I also put chilli sauce on his tongue. It hurt, he cried, but he didn't swear again. Discipline never did a child any harm. Next time your son swears and you threaten to put chilli in his mouth, he'll know you're not bluffing! I now see my son with his kid. He's loving, but strict, and expects obedience, and in return, my son is loved to bits!

Question: How does a four year old know how to swear and use it as a tool to get his way? Pre-school,home, TV? Perhaps we you should find the root cause of his rude langauge. If it is at home through the TV or the adults maybe you may want to re-align the speech patterns he is exposed to.

You can't be trapped into guilt by a four year old. You brought him to this world and you are in charge. He does not have a choice in the matter. He will not resent you when he grows up but will be grateful for your stance. I hear all the therapists who go on and on about negotiating with toddlers as the way to go. It does not work for every single child. Negotiating is complicated for most kids. You need to set boundaries immediately before it is too late. Stepping outside the boundaries should result in the child facing the consequences on every single occassion. Reinforce that stepping out of line is not acceptable period.

What sort of consequences are suitable for your child? You need to find a method that works soon. Time-outs obviously do not work, so are the chat sessions. Stronger methods may be needed. A chastisement(not harrasment) always shocks the body and it may be best to keep them as an option for your son until he changes his conduct. Children are very perceptive. Once they know they can't get away with something they will look for other ways to push the boundaries.