Hi Everyone

Not all stepparents are bad. I try to be the best stopmom that I can be. My stepdaugther stays with us and only visits her mom every 2nd week. I also have a daugther, about a year older than my stepdaughter. They get along very good - even better than sisters. They are totally different people.

My stepdaughter can get everything she want from her mom and her stepdad. They spoil her a lot. The relationship between her and her mother are not very good, because they fight a lot. She is 12 years old.

We decided to let our kids have m-xit when they are older. I allowed my daughter (13) to get m-xit and we told stepdaughter that she will get it when she is 13. She cried at her mom because she don't think it is fair, she want it now. We sticked to our rule. She is doing things behind our back. Downloading Mxit on her phone and using it when she is not with us. She has a cellphone contract and her mom pays more than R300 per month for it.

Lately she started to put me to the test. Ignoring my rules. Not doing as asked. She only talks to me when there is someone around and then only if it is something she need for school. I helps her with her schoolwork and projects and she will always ask me for help, but that is the only thing that I am to her. She will not talk at all and when I leave a room, she will start talking to her dad non stop.

At the moment I am not allowed to punish her or talk loud to her. Then she jumps on the phone, starts screaming at her mom that she need to come get her because she hates it here and she is soo unhappy and that I am not treating her right.

This is all leaving an effect on my daughter as well. I am not sure what to do. Her dad said that if this is going to happen the whole time, then she must either go to her mom or we should each go our own way. I cannot understand. Is our marriage not more than his spoiled daughter? I don't know what to do.

I'm also a stepmom to a 17-year old boy. You have my sympathies, I am also experiencing problems getting along with my stepson and it is very hard to try to please everybody.

Soensie - right up front let me advise you to please, not let your husband take the easy way out here. You need to sit down with him and have a good, long discussion together about this problem. This problem is your husband's problem as well - she is his daughter and he is the custodial parent and guardian, so he is reposnible for her upkeep, routine, disciplining etc. Telling you that either the daughter goes back to the mother or you split up, is a cop out - it's the easy way out for him isn't it? It's also very unfair because it leaves YOU stuck in the middle - I know, I have been in the same situation and it's a b*tch.

I suggest you take the time to be on your own somewhere quiet and calm, with paper and pen, and make a list of everything you try and help this girl with, that means cooking, cleaning, housework - everything. List all the rules of the house; list everything that you and your husband agreed to do TOGETHER for the family. Make a note of what you like about your stepdaughter, and what you don't like. Note down her behavioiur as well and what you have done to try and resolve the problems, if they haven't been resolved, put them down. Once you have done this, only then try and arrange for the two of you to sit somewhere where you know you will have plenty of time to talk together. Don't point fingers and accuse and say "YOU won't let me" or "You are unfair.." that's guaranteed to upset him and get him on the defensive, which you don't want to do. The calmer and more rational you are, the better. men don't respond kindly to hysterics and tears, been there done that! Try to persuade him to look at the situation from YOUR perspective; appeal to his sense of fair play and right and wrong, but do it as neutrally and as calmly as possible. Tell him you have always been a willing stepmom, you want to help your stepdaughter to be the best she can be, but you can't continue trying to do this when she behaves in an irrational manner - I would tell him that her attitude and behaviour is causing the greatest friction and upset in the household and putting a strain on your relationship, which you do not want to happen at all, and you would like him to help you resolve the problems you are experiencing, so that your home can get back to normal. I would definintely (tactfully) tell him that his treating each daughter unfairly is not on, and is causing problems which need to be sorted out as soon as possible. You love him very much and you always want to be together - tell him that too! You should also point out that it it having a detrimental effect on your daughter as well, and you do not feel this is a suitable environment for either of the girls. Appeal to his emotions too in this way - a picture of constant screaming, tantrums and strife, or all of you cohabiting in peace, calm and domestic bliss.

I don't know how you feel about my suggestions. I have tried this method of resolving problems in my house, and in some cases I have succeeded but in others I have failed miserably, to such an extent that I have given up being a stepmom and taking an active part in the stepson's life. It's extremely difficult to handle and it's not going to go away overnight. It's also very hard to try and stay calm and unemotional - I learned the hard way that losing my temper was fatal, I would immediatley lose all credibiliity once I lost my temper or got so upset that I would burst into tears from sheer emotion and say the wrong things!

I hope for your sake, Soensie, that you manage to resolve the problems you are having with your stepdaughter. Us women always have to work harder then men in a relationship and make more sacrifices - fact. If you reallly love your hubby and are prepared to stick it out, then I say, go for it. It may take a long time to fix this and only if you stick to your plan of action, which is the most difficult thing to do - and in the end, if the situation is still the same or worse, then it is time to step back and ask yourself - where to next? What is the next step?

Be strong, girl :-)

@ the person criticising the author for her grammar. I'd like to see how well you write in your second language? Would you speak that way to someone you just met? Grammar is irrelevant, good manners however...

Dear stepmom, I'm a mom of three who are still under 5 so while I can't tell you a lot about parenting teenagers from personal experience I can talk about what I think as an ex-difficult daughter and as someone who has also gone through divorce and seeing her parents start new lives with somone else at this age. I think you're doing a great job, honestly. It would be so easy to just shut her out the same way she is doing to you. But here you are trying, always being consistent, setting boundaries and its clear from your letter that you really do care for her. You are not falling into the classic trap of trying to be her friend. You are a parent. Friendship can come later once she doesn't require so much parenting. She's a very lucky girl, and while she might not realise it now it will dawn on her when she is older and wiser and can actually make sense of her world just what a great Mom you've been to her. Her mom and stepdad feel guilty and try to make up for it by spoiling her and giving in to her demands. Since you and her other mom are in this together for the next oh ten years or more maybe it would be a good idea to talk and work out an approach that doesn't see you undermining each other unintentionally? If she sees you becoming friends or friendlier it will take the wind right out of her sails...

I've had an awful relationship with my mother from the start. But fortunately there comes a time in every difficult teenager's life when they realise that they need to stop blaming their parents for everything that they're not happy with in life. When you realise that they are human beings, not perfect, and that they were just doing the best that they can. Not easy when there is alcohol and abuse involved but its empowering to realise that no matter what your childhood was, your happiness is ultimately in your own hands. But this is not that time for her. She's now going into what's probably the most painfully difficult and uncertain period of any child's life. Then on top of it there appears to be a great deal of unresolved pain and anger about her parents' divorce.. and she has no idea how to even begin dealing with it. You it seems are the perfect punching bag. And tough as it may be for you.. maybe for now that's what you need to be for her? Take it, absorb it and just keep reflecting back the love, respect and support. Even when you don't.. When I really feel like smacking my son I hug him instead. Its so easy to say don't take it personally but don't! But I can read through the lines that even with the awful way she's treating you, its clear that this little girl loves you and she doesn't want to! There is obviously a lot of guilt about that too. I mean how can you be loyal to two moms? Emotions are irrational and fleeting, the best thing we can do in life is to recognise them for what they are learn what we can and move on. At this stage young people are so mercurial - changing and growing from one day to the next. All these adult thoughts and emotions with none of the maturity and understanding yet to make sense of it. But she will find her way, and so will you.

All I can say is keep going, you're doing great. Keep the boundaries in place. Some kids push against them more than others. And all kids are brilliant at playing adults off against each other. Girls especially! Continue to be consistent and generous in the love and care you show her. I always do this when I feel I'm starting to lose the plot... (My oldest son can drive me to the point where I want to kill him - he is so much like me its like looking in the mirror) I remind myself that I am the adult here, I must stay in control - it won't help if there are two toddlers throwing a tantrum! And you fake it till you make it. I can go fall apart later out of sight. There was an article a while ago about using the same techniques on teenagers that you do on tantruming toddlers. It really makes a lot of sense! I read parenting books and websites a great deal. Lots of different approaches out there but it gives me a false sense of security and the confidence to stick to my guns when I feel informed.

Another positive thing about your situation is that your own daughter and your step daughter are best friends. There's a lot of opportunities there for building bridges. Good luck!