I think I've come to the point where I just dont know what to do anymore!!

I have a 14yr old step-son. I've been with my husband for 10 years and it's been an up-hill battle from day one! I know everyone is very quick to stand by the child and look to the step-mom as the wicked-witch...... please bear with me here!

I was considering to start taking anti-depressants, tranquilizers - ANYTHING to help me get over these feelings of helplessness and depression. Then I realised that its not my problem any more - I realised that I"M NOT the problem. I know that sounds harsh, but that's what it's come to.

It's been like this for years!!!!! My husband and the mother would always go and see the teachers and the teachers would complain bitterly about the son, and it would be the same story - my husband would "moan" at his son and tell him that he had better start pulling up his socks and behaving in class....he would "behave" for a month, and then back to square-one. My step-son was then eventually expelled from his Primary school in 2007 (std 4). It got to a point where there was 6 weeks left in the year and the school insisted that he must be removed from the school immediately and wasnt allowed back into class - he didnt do anything specific, but they had just had enough of his consistently bad behaviour. Natuarally, his mother got all the blame for his behaviour and said she couldnt handle him anymore and said he should move in with us (I"m sure part blame CAN be accounted to her as she ALSO let him get away with murder and never followed through with consequences.....my husband is also guilty of that - clearly!!). He was with us for 3 months and his mother decided to move down to Durban to open up a new Business and moved away from JHB. She then convinced her son to move to Durban with her and he told us he was miserable in JHB and wanted to move to Durban to be with his mother - he was just too happy to get out of our house - and to be honest - so was I. So he went to live with his mom in Durban and.....surprise, surprise, 3 months later he decided that he actually didnt like it at his mother anymore and wanted to move BACK to JHB to live with us..... my husband told him to stick it out and make the most of the situation. We got expert advice and everyone seemed to agree that this little boy needs to work on his behaviour and parents had to put boundaries in place to ensure he didnt play the situation to his advantage............... The problem is that everytime my step-son is reprimanded or has to pull his weight and do some work, he acts up and wants to move homes. He "sat it out" in Durban with his mother for 3 years......... and during these 3 years he was arrested for shoplifting and blatantly watched Porn in the family lounge whilst guests were visiting his mother on a Sunday afternoon........ brazen hey? I wont even go into detail what else he got up to.....

So, 3 years later at the age of 14, he eventually got his way and in April this year after endless promises from his side and tantrum throwing, my and my husband agreed to move him back to JHB. His mother was devistated and agreed to let him go ............. he's been with us for almost 5 months and it's been HELL!!!! My husband and I have fought NON-STOP because I can see how his son manipulates him. I will be in the room with my husband (be it the kitchen or our room) and I will step out the room for 5 minutes to do something and his son will come into the room and start talking to his dad..... about absolutely arbitrary stuff, and when I walk back in the room he stops talking and has an extremely guilty look on his face and quickly walks out the room.... and when I ask my husband what was that all about, he looks at me all confused and says that his son was just talking to him about the weather.... I get upset and tell him that this kind of behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home and guess what.......... the evening ends in US arguing!!!

Besides all of this, his son has failed his first term at his new school. When we went to Parent's evening, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me..... the Teachers were blatantly telling my husband that his son has shown absolutely NO interest in his school work and he doesnt participate in class nor does he produce any homework.... My husband has an au Pair for his son and every day its the same excuse "I dont have any homework". He manages to dodge the system everytime. You wont believe me if I tell you that on that evening of Parents evening last month, my husband and step-son were cracking jokes inbetween meeting the teachers........ I was SHOCKED!! Was my husband not angry at his son for failing....? Clearly not! So no punishment at all for failing the term!

So now, on the 12th August (last Friday) he received a notification from the school that he has to attend a DISCIPLINARY HEARING with the Head Master of the school at 2pm on the 17th August (today). I saw this letter in his diary on Saturday and I waited for him to tell his father about the meeting as a parent or a LAWYER needs to be present - serious stuff, hey!? NOTHING, he's mentioned NOTHING to his father. It's not like my husband punishes him for every little thing - infact he doesnt punish him at all, for goodness sake, he failed the term last term and my husband just "spoke to him nicely" - no punishment, no consequences - NOTHING, so he cant use the excuse that he's scared he would get into trouble...... The thing is you are probably asking why didnt I tell my husband about the letter....... because my husband has told me on NUMEROUS occassions to BACK-OFF and let him handle his son. I am seriously struggling with the situation and many times I would sit with my husband and tell him that his son is rude or disrespectful - my husband would get angry with me and tell me that I'm crazy as his son NEVER behaved this way when he was around - he saw it as an attack on his son...! please tell me how crazy am I if the school is considering expelling him after 5 months.......... so, I have backed-off......

I can understand that some of you guys will lash out at me and feel sorry for the child, but believe me, he's got enough sympathy from his parents and THATS why he is the way he is....... I actually get the sense that both parents are carrying so much guilt around regarding their son. They try to take as much responsibilty for HIS actions. My husband even said to me one day that his son didnt ASK to be here, so he feels guilty for putting him through the divorce etc, etc,........ I can understand where my husband is coming from, but he's NOT creating a child which whill POSITIVELY contribute to the society we live in....

The sad thing is that even if I dont tell my husband about the disciplinary hearing and his son is expelled, there wont be any consequences. Yes, my husband will be mad at his son - for a day - but then the next day

Does anyone agree with me cause I'm feeling extremely stressed today and just need a some reassurance........

HI Tom - thank you so much for your honest response - I really appreciate your advice. I tend to agree with you on your view of brining up children. My mother always said that we came first in her life because she FELT us coming and she SAW my dad coming..... yet we were "bliksem'd" when we stepped out of line - only by my mother though - my dad never gave any of his daughters' a hiding!

We did take his son to THREE psychologists (he exhausted my medical aid last year) AND a psychiatrist (as we thought he could have Bi-Polar - he doesnt) and he is on Ritalin (I also dont think he's ADD/ADHAD, instead I think it's just a result of getting too much) - but we have had the same response from all 3 psychologists - he needs to have boundaries and consequences in place and this needs to be consistent! My husband even flew down the one time to meet with the Psychologist in Durban and her message was very clear - "your son misses his dad, but there still needs to be consequences for his actions - he cant use that as an excuse for his bad behaviour". My husband just heard the first sentance "your son misses his dad" .... major guilt trip!!! Hubby then made like a "contract" with his son to fly him up to JHB once a month and when he's gone the "extra mile" at school, he'll fly him up twice that month (believe me - flights once a month over and above maintenance is VERY pricey)................. my step-son got up to all kinds of trouble and yet my husband STILL flew him up every month - AND spoilt him whilst in JHB! Seeing all of this and after much protest from my side, my husband told his son that as punishment for failing the term (in 2010), he was not flying him up for the month of July last year..... No remorse, nothing from his side - just a real F@#K you attitude........ and then things were back to normal in August. You may say that you cannot punish the child by withholding time with the parents, but nothing else worked - his mother took his phone away, stopped giving him pocket money and altogether just stopped doing anything for him..... and now that he's with us it's exacerbated......She's in a very subtle way written him off........... The last time my husband's son was arrested (December 2010), his ex-wife called him in tears. She said that their son had told the policeman that his mother beats him up...... which is a load of utter rubbish! She said that she gave him hidings which he deserved...... like when she caught him sneaking out the house at 12am the one night................... and that's when she decided to let him move over to us...... and she said that she wouldnt be giving him hidings ever again.

As for the notice of the Hearing. I had all intentions of telling my husband about it when I got home last night - I went to gym and was on the way home when I saw a missed call from hubby. when I called him back he was already at home and he said that he couldnt talk because he was in the process of giving his son a beating. The Au Pair had notified my husband of the incident - whether he made a plan to see the school today - I dont know! So no, he didnt attend the Hearing because he wasnt informed by his son of the Hearing. I doubt that I omitted telling hubby about the Hearing in an attempt to "pretend" nothing's wrong..... I know full and well why I didnt tell hubby. My entire reason for doing so was in a hope that the matter would escalate to a point where my husband would see the severity of the situation. If I told my husband about the Hearing, he would moan at his son and then make sure he attended the Hearing and listen to the complaints and come home and "moan" at his son a little more and then it would all be over and forgotten the next day....... But Tom, I've also realized that even thought I DIDNT tell hubby about the Hearing, and even though he DID give his son a beating for his behaviour - my husband STILL made excuses FOR HIS SON'S DEMERITS after the fact - so nothing's changed, no matter how severe the matter is. So the evening ended with hubby and I arguing last night because I couldnt handle how my husband would maon at his son for something and then in the next breathe make an excuse up for it "i'm not happy about all these demerits (265 DEMERITS IN 2 MONTHS), but I see that most of them are from last term and last term is in the past and gone......" WTF!? this new term is only 3 weeks old and he's already got 15 demerits!!!! So I left and went and had supper by myself at the local Spur....

Hubby feels EVEN more pressure now to "be there" for his son as his mother is licking her wounds in Durban..... dont blame her quite frankly! When her son first moved over in April she would phone him and ask him how things were, ie. school, home, friends - and his general response to every question is "Awsome!!" She then called hubby and said that she couldnt get anything but "Awsome!" out of him and wanted to know from HUBBY if everything was ok..... and hubby (as blinded by the truth as can be) said that things were going well....... the woman must have thought she's the worst mother on the face of the earth as her son "apparently" did a 360 deg turn just by moving to his dad.......... boy has the truth come out!!!!

So ja - that was the outcome of last nights events... and honestly - I'm not looking forward to the next 5 months!