Hi.

I am a recently divorced father of a 4 year old. For years now, my ex has shown herself to be a pathological liar. This may sound like sour grapes, but is the honest truth. She will "change the past" however it suits her and genuinely believe these new fabrications. Example being that even though she was granted primary residence our daughter spends 21 out of 30 days with me. Still she would complain about not having free time and me being distant and when I point out the days that our kid has been with me she would argue wholeheartedly that it is lies, despite clear rocksolid evidence.( I have learned to make sure I have evidence in all matters relating to our child). This is but one of the simple examples and is clearly self destructive behaviour.

My problem is that my daughter, who is very balanced and makes me quite proud by her behaviour, is starting to behave the same way. Another example : Yesterday we went to the shop and I allowed her to choose a sweat. She chose sour gums and I clearly told her that those were sour and gave a lot of other suggestions, but she persisted that she wanted the gums. When we reached home and she ate the first one and obviously didn't like it she threw a tantrum because "I bought the wrong ones". I tried to explain to her that those were the ones that she chose, but she persisted in telling me that she chose other sweats. Till now that is what she believes.

Should I be worried or is this normal for a child this age, considering circuimstances? If it is indeed a problem, how can I pro actively help her with it?

I have indeed. And as stated when it comes to my ex, these are definately NOT delusions as I have more than enough FACTUAL PROOF(email and sms correspondence, letters, pictures and even videos) AND a great deal of people that has dealings with the both of us agree with me and is prepared to act as witnesses. Like I said I have learned to make sure I have evidence of all dealings with our child.

The reason for me asking advice and a second opinion is because I AM considering the fact that I may be oversensitive to this when it comes to my daughter. Even giving an example to make sure advice is given on as much information as possible.

Mr T - If you have nothing good to say then please do not comment!

Pieter - I can assure you that the behaviour your daughter is displaying is normal. My daughter is almost 4 years old and she also does that. she would go to my husband and say mummy hit me, even when I just scolded her.
However we let her know that what she did was wrong and telling lies is not a good habit. I also bought a book about the boy who cried wolf and tell her the story every night. She seems to be getting the message and I would sugegst you try the same thing. 4 year olds have a very active imagination and it is good but as parents we need to offer guidance and let them know right from wrong. Be careful how what you tecah her now because these are critical years in a childs life. Speak to her with love and understanding and use pictures and stories to make her understand her actions and the consequences. At this age I found out that stories and pictures work well and gets the message across.
I wish you best of luck.

I'm in a similar situation and my daughter is 3. What I have learned is, as soon as she lies I put a stop to it and address it there and then. I will not tolerate tantrums or even the raising of her voice at me. Even the smallest thing like not washing her hands after going to the toilet then lieing to me and saying she did, I watch her, confront her telling her she makes me sad when she lies to Daddy, simple solution to a minor problem and it's working. NEVER hit them, that just re-inforces the behavour. It's a phase they go through so don't see it as your ex's influence, be a good dad and roll with the punches cause there are going to be MANY...

Hi Pieter

My son turned 5 last week, and just yesterday I was telling one of my friends how bizarre and outlandish some of his fibs/stories are. My husband and I are both very creative people, so we like to think his very vivid imagination may be genetic, but I feel it is normal for this age. Like many "bad" phases, this too I am sure will pass in time. We encourage his creativity as much as possible, but we do point out obvious fibs, and he seems a bit sheepish when we do it :)

You are clearly a loving, good father, don't question yourself, just follow what you feel is best, it's called paternal instinct.