We adopted our son as a baby, at 5 months, and he knows all his life he's adopted. He is brown, after all, and we are pink (referring to the actual skin colour, as kids do, not racial classifications). He is a loving, loveable little fellow of 7 years now, well adjusted at school, sometimes a bit strong willed. He loves to cuddle - so no attachment issues. For the last year, though, he's been acting out, as kids do at that age, just this phase doesn't seem to pass!
Example: almost all kids that age are asserting themselves and are easily outraged at times when asked to go to bed, do their homework, and the like, and then either phantasize that they belong to another family, or decide to leave to stay with the neighbors, friends or granny, as those people are way cooler than parents. That is normal development. Except, with my son, he is adopted, so he turns it against us at times, saying he is going to his real mom, or his real mom would allow him to watch TV all night, etc.
We react cool, and tell him that all families have rules. We unfortunatly can't give him ANY information on his birth mother, as he was abandoned at birth. I am now trying to figure out what is part of a normal delopmental stage and what is unresolved anger and feeling of rejection (by the birth mother) that may play a part. I don't want to overlook it now and it becomes a problem, likewise, I don't want to state a problem if there is none, and thus create one...
He goes through phases of extreme anger and hostility, always borne out of a situation where he is asked to do something (i.e. go to bed). these can last for 2-3 days. I try to talk about his feelings, which calms him down, but he denies feeling upset or angry, except about our "unreasonable" demand to go to bed (or whatever the trigger was). I sometimes feel he keeps testing us: to see if we still keep loving him, no matter what he does or how he behaves.
He gets consequences, of course, like withdrawal of privileges (TV, electronic gadgets) or quiet time in his room, and they always work in the medium term. However, during the tantrum, it can be trying and tiring to deal with him in a constructive manner. If I would just know if this is still part of a normal phase, I could deal with it. His sister is 10, and she had a similar phase, but much shorter and less hostile and aggressive. Now, all kids are different, so that is no benchmark. We try to be always fair and we definetly treat both kids the same, and nothing more than normal sibling rivalry ever came up between them.
Any feedback from other adoptive parents, or from adoptees how they felt at the age of 7 (and what helped them getting through the anger)? Also, if someone can recommend a child therapist in Northern Johannesburg that has experience with adopted children, I may want to go there for some sessions.