Firstly, there is no defined way to cope, or work through with infertility. You can try following the advice out there on how to conceive, and everyone has an opinion even your five year old cousin; on the how to: something they heard their old aunt said, something they read, and some religion believes that will help. Just by doing a search on the Internet, there are literally thousands even millions of things you can try to conceive. Not much on how to cope with infertility.
To follow the experts advice, seems easy enough, dealing with any problem will get you going for a while, whatever that may be. Recognise the problem is a crisis – ticked, don't blame yourself – ticked, work as a team with your partner – ticked, educate yourself – ticked, set limits on how long you're willing to try – ticked, decide how much you're willing to pay - ticked, get support from professionals and others with the same problems – ticked, avoid activities that will contribute or worsen the problem – ticked, balance optimism and realism – ticked and take care of yourself by pursuing other interests – ticked. Still the problem didn't go away.
By reading some biographies or blogs of people on more or less the same life experience as you, I've found the majority ended worse than they anticipated. The first goal is to have a child, some indeed succeed, but not with some degree of price they had to pay, some are financially ruined, ultimately resulted in separation. Others include alcoholism, drug abuse; emotional abuse and death itself, all are part of ways of people trying to cope.
The majority reading material will be the female's point of view, and are more willing to talk about it whereas the men will rather keep silence on what is going on inside, male muscularity the biggest culprit here. Indeed the male muscularity got the biggest knock manageable in social importance of been a male human being, not to degrade the female feelings as less important.
Been a 35 year old male, dealing with infertility, had some degree of easiness, as far back as I can remember; I knew I might never be able to father as a child. Been open about it, even joked during my teens that I am a sports model, who doesn't like a Ferrari? The acceptance part come naturally for me, but not the emotional feelings, dealing with the normal social life acceptance was another brick wall to control or deal with totally.
So how did I manage so far to cope with infertility? And why does been infertile cause such concern now in my life?
Best ways is to go back to the beginning where I first had to deal with the fact of been infertile.
Been a young optimist still in high school 1994-1995 was my first time I had to deal with been not able to contribute to the social importance of life being unable to father a child. My sister fell pregnant with her first child with in the first year after school. Back then been pregnant and not married was a big deal, both for the church and politically circumstances. Been in the prime of my youth, I had to adapt, first been left alone in the church community we as a family been part of my whole life.
Everything I relied on was ripped under my feet. My parents had their reason to leave the church. All talked in our family was the new child. My dreams was latterly falling apart, support I needed was gone with decisions that was made on my behalf for the better for my health.
My biggest dream was since I was an “laaitjie” in primary school was to play rugby for the first team of my high school, got injured in a practice match 1994, and the next year going to be my year, was told I need a medical certificate before I can compete for the school rugby team. Turned to my parents for help, there was no concern from them to help me but rather support my sister with her pregnancy. My parents also split up for the year, to deal with what’s going on in their own way. It was ‘n hard time for us all, even a little smile was hard to come by.
Now you may ask what is this got to so with the fact of been infertile? Well, upon the birth of the little girl, broad all smiles and tears to all important to me in my life, expect myself, when a realized I will never be able to have my parents smile and have joy tears… have the same impact that this little girl have on them.
1998 First marriage, typical should’ve listened and not get married to my high school sweet heart in the first place. But at that time I was still running instead of dealing with the real problems. 24 four months later I had to let her go doesn't matter how much I loved her and wanted our marriage to work. With all family pressure and questions, I just stepped aside. This short lived marriage was the first glimpse I had to face from family, friends and social pressure of not having a child. At that time most of my friends followed pursuit got married and started their own families.
All talked about was child this, child that, became clear you don't have any common grounds with your friends and family anymore. The easy part is telling them I cant have kids, but explaining why to the questions is the hard part. Rather accept the fact that you can’t have a kid, you will be bombarded with how to conceive or what a wonder full thing it is to have a child changed their whole lives.
Still trying the running game, I disconnected all friends and family ties, will rather spend time with child less friends even if I actually don't what to be associated with them in the first place or on my own, myself and I. Where the notion comes to pull all my energy into work related projects.
Now thinking back, I just shook my head sideways, got involved with a work colleague, in the turmoil of things she advise me that she fell pregnant. The catch 22 was I might be the father with two other participants in the process. Done the tests, where the results indicated that I'm the less obvious choice off been the father. Nether the less I decided to stick it out and support her with the pregnancy and the other participant just show their ankles, with some dust following.
Guess I hoped to be reconciled with my family, and be social accepted again because I might be a daddy. Where I was actually greeted with discuss in the meantime, because they felt I left my first wife for this person, it's not the reason I got divorced in the first place, and she's now pregnant so it can't be the reason. Must confess I did not tell anyone I went for some test and knew I might not be the father. Well not meant to be where I was advised a few weeks later by sms she went for an abortion.
I am reluctant to say I met my second wife, rater to say I met my life partner back in 2001. Still recovering from the wounds off the failed social acceptance and the fact she was in her senior year in school, we got romantically involved a 2002. At the time she knew the story of the “rebound girl been pregnant” in fact she knew her very well. Our first date commence with tell me what you’ve heard and know; I'll fill in the blanks. So as a result fertility come quite quickly up for discussion, as we both knew we both are unable to have children. Another part that made this for our relationships much easier, we don't need to deal with the problem is with you and not me.
10 years later we still happy married and child less, but like most marriages, that have his up and downs we still going strong just the two of us, and together we deal with the family, friends and social pressures of infertility. When I'm down, she will pick me up, when she's down I will pick her up. When we both are down, Houston we've got a problem.
We just learned to adapt make ways for other important things in our lives. Sometimes you still get the knife in your heart from others. Like the comment; “next time I visit I want to see real children not dogs.”
Although advice is plenty to go around conceiving, why don't you go for treatment and why not adopt a child.
The notion between us, why must we pay for something that is supposedly to be free, just to have a child, if we adopt it will be for the wrong reasons, just to have a child. Just to be social accepted by family and friends?
We've accepted that:
People will always look down on us.
Will only invite us to do the “catering work” prepare the food; fill up the drinks for them on family gatherings
Will not have space on the dining table, will have to sit with the kids
Will always be the last to know, or been forgotten about or be unconsidered towards us
We will not be accepted as part of their lives.
When we are needed and they know we can help, then only we will hear from them.
Will only be just the two of us.
Our journey still needs to continue, even if it just the two of us.
Recently got an invite to a christening, we accepted the invitation to attend but declined the after social. When rightly asked why we will rather attend the christening preceding than the after social, cause they understand that we don't want to be part of the christening preceding but not the social.
We are not mad at God, nor do we not like kids, we love them… it's just easier to sit in where everybody keep quiet, where at the gathering to face questions or remarks, boy was we wrong… rather avoid both… When the pastor said in his ritual of the christening; the main reason of a marriage to build another generation Cut right true the middle of our marriage, why are we married if we don't have a purpose in the first place. With those few words turned our whole existence upside down, open all the old wounds once again. Now it’s a new battle of finding what we had again.
We welcome thoughts and comments