My children's father left us 6 years ago. During the last six years he has been very inconsistent in everything; one moment he is promising us that he is coming home, the next he is caught leaving the other woman's home at dawn. He has made promises to the children that he would be with them for their birthdays or christmas and hasn't kept ONE promise. When the children phone him he seldom answers his cellphone. When they have asked him for pocket money or something he never tries to help them. The phonecalls he does make to the children are not realy conversations, he invariably tells them he hasn't got much phone time, even when they want to tell him all about the bug they found. The children say that he often sounds angry over the phone; it's as if he feels he has to play the part of the good Dad and give himself a noddy badge for the week by phoning the children. The children have seen him an average of once a year and during those visits he is impatient with them, he doesn't take part in activities that would interest them but drags them around to do things that he prefers.
My problem is this; I am being cast as the reason for the children's alienation from their father. It is implied that I am badmouthing the children's father and that the reason the children have no relationship with the father is because I am bitter and divisive. It is true that I have experienced struggled with deep sadness over a marriage that I viewed as a biblical commitment, I loved my husband and miss him even now. As much as I want my boys to have a loving dad in their lives I am not prepared to make excuses for obvious neglect nor CAN I put their father in a good light if he persists in acting inconsiderately. To do that would mean that I negate the children's obvious pain. Children - especially boys seems to want one to put your money where your mouth is and the actions of this father speak louder than anything else.
I can imgaine that trying to build relationships with ones children after all that, must be hard; but if your child is worth it then you would be willing to make every effort yourself and NOT try to make ANY excuses.
Question: How do I avoid being cast as the bitch?

You can't. You will always be the bitch, the bad-mouthing mother who doesn't take care of the kids, because their hair is not cut and you didn't wipe their mouths before a visit. You will never win this fight - at least, not with them.
Within yourself, however, you need to clear this up: if you know you are giving your children the best (in love and discipline) and you know you take care of them, and you know you don't badmouth anybody, you can hear the arguments and accusations and KEEP QUIET. Because you know the truth - as do they, but it is much easier to place the blame on anybody else, than actually doing something about it. You are painted bad, because they have no other way of making themselves feel better.
As for the kids: they know what they see and feel. You don't need to prove anything to them. Trust me, they now who left and who takes care of them. Kids aren't stupid.
BUT: you must NEVER EVER EVER bad mouth the other parent and his or her new partners. As far as the kids are concerned, their dad is the best in the world, and he loves them very much, he is just going through a tough time. (Which lasts very long, sometimes). You are not negating their feelings, you are reinforcing a love they very much need. If you bad mouth (even if what you say is true) you stoop the other parent's level. And the kids will see you see in the same light.

The sooner you accept your fate as being a bitch, the more fun it gets!! Relax, you do your best, let them say what they want to.

The hardest thing you will ever do (even harder than the divorce itself) is not to badmouth him when all you want to do is to lash out and inflict pain (even in his absence) for the pain he has inflicted on you. Dont do it. For the children's sake. And for your own sake. Children have a right to love their Daddy. It is part of their psyche and the damage you do to them by badmouthing him is far greater than the satisfaction that you get from making him look bad. What you do is you make them withdraw and not tell you their feelings when they are angry with him, and eventually you close the lines of communication with your children altogether. It is not worth it. I speak from experience. If he doesnt call or stay in contact, tell them you dont know why, but dont badmouth him. It would actually be a good idea to tell them that their Daddy loves them but is going through some difficulties himself. I promise you if you BUILD the relationship with their father rather than break it down, you will reap the benefits in years to come. They may end up fixing the relationship with their Dad, but if they dont, they will not relate the breakdown of that relationship to you. As for him not doing the same, he is out of your life. Dont let his opinion affect you. After 6 years it is time to move on. Until what your previous partner says and does no longer affects you, you are not emotionally over him. You need to deal with this on your own and not let it affect your children. Get some counselling if you need it (it worked for me) but you do need to move on with your life. Good luck.

Nope, Derek, you're right insofar as people having children for selfish reasons is concerned. No argument there.

Sadly, even when people KNOW their relationship is in trouble, they insist upon having children, on becoming parents. They tell themselves "When the baby arrives, everything will be perfect". But with all the pressures and stresses of parenthood, it is IMPOSSIBLE to work on a troubled relationship when you now have a child to look after on top of everything else.

The problem really is that people are dishonest, particularly with themselves. They refuse to look inwards and try to find out what is actually wrong in their lives - they live their entire lives on the never-never plan:
WHEN I lose weight, THEN I'll be happy.
WHEN we have kids, THEN we'll be happy.
WHEN I get an increase, THEN I'll be happy.
WHEN I get promoted, THEN I'll be happy.
There is always a "WHEN/THEN" in their lives...

But they don't do it maliciously - they really believe it. They really DO want to be happy - and because they don't feel happy right now, they look around until they find something that they think is causing their unhappiness, and pin all the blame on that. They're actually being quite logical about it, if a trifle unrealistic.

The real thing is this: If you are not happy now, within yourself, then no matter what happens in your life, you won't be happy when that happens. Every change that happens in your life brings stress, because it brings change. Change is stress. You get nothing for nothing in this world - so if you can't cope with your life right now, then you will definitely not cope easily when that new thing (whatever it is) enters your life.

Personally, I tend to blame the 'Princess' syndrome - girl grows up, along comes Prince Charming (who is perfect, naturally), they get married (a perfect wedding, naturally!), they go to live in a castle (which is perfect, naturally!), have children (who are perfect, naturally!), and everybody lives happily ever after. Problem is, NOTHING lasts forever after. Denying it, or pretending it's not so, doesn't change the fact that things always and infallibly come to an end. And NOBODY really has a "Princess" life - you never get everything you want, without working for it, and improving what you have as you go along. Nothing is ever perfect from the start.

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However, with regard to the rest of your posting, it's plainly nonsensical to say "if your relationship wasn't perfect, then you should've never had kids". There is NO SUCH THIING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO HUMAN BEINGS!
A relationship is a series of 'exchanges', a compromise on the part of both parties, which eventually results in a win/win situation for both parties.
Anybody who says their relationship is perfect is a liar - or their partner isn't human.
If everybody had to wait until their relationship was perfect before having children, then the human race would be extinct within the next 100 years.

It's not fair (or logical) for you to assume that the OP's marriage was in trouble already when the children arrived. Relationships go through phases - and something that is just peachy keen today is not acceptable tomorrow - as I said before, things change, and people, being the prime movers and initiators of change, cannot escape those changes themselves. Change brings stress - and stress affects relationships.

Perhaps when you are older and wiser, Derek, you will come to understand that your 'absolute' statements as found in your posting, merely point to a youthful inexperience that, with the passage of years and experience, coupled with compassion and understanding for others, will one day bring to you the realisation that you don't REALLY have all the answers.

Don't feel bad, though: We all thought we did, when we were young and inexperienced. We still don't have the answers, but at least now we (more experienced) people understand and accept that we don't know everything, that we can't cure all the world's ills with a single catch-phrase, no matter HOW nice it would be to be able to do so.

There is some truth in what you say - but you need to develop some compassion and understanding, and to realise that you are not a Godlike, infallible being, before what you say will be accepted and acted upon, and thereby have a real and positive impact on other's lives.

I look forward to seeing your intellect tempered with compassion and wisdom over the next few years - all you need now is time to develop it, and the will to help others effectively.

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As for the OP's question (How do I avoid being cast as the bitch? ), the answer is simple - behave like a lady, do not badmouth the father, no matter what, and ALWAYS behave as you would like the rest of the world to see you behaving. The rest will take care of itself.