Hi,

I am at my wits end! My wife's daughters from her first marriage used to live with their father, their choice. In Dec 2009 they decided they wanted to live with us. I did not have a problem with it as I knew it would happen someday when the girls got older.

Shortly after they moved in the horror stories came out and we obtained a temporary Child Protection Order against the father. A year later he had to give reasons in court why the Order should not become permanent. He did not even show up. It broke my heart telling them. He has to date not contributed one cent to anything.

The problem is that they had unlimited freedom when living with him. In my house there are rules but these rules are deemed too strict.

At first things were going well, they kids were on their best behaviour and all was just swell. Then, slowly but surely there was resistance to the rules. They could not get used to the, in my opinion, normal rules for teenagers.

The rules:
No friends during the week, i.e. straight home after school or after sport.
Cellphones to be switched off at 20:00 in the week and 22:00 over weekends.
Everyone bathed and ready for dinner at 18:00 in the week.
Telephone numbers and addresses of people visited before leaving the house.
No one leaves the house if their rooms are not tidy.
Clean up after yourself in the bathrooms, etc, etc.

As a result, we've had MANY fights, (the kids, me and the wife), my marriage is taking strain as this is the only thing we fight about and I have actually had enough...

The 14 year old has stolen a BlackBerry from a friend, she has gone from an A-candidate in the first quarter to failing 90% of her subjects in the second quarter. She has gone to an "Under-18's party" at a nightclub and only returned 11:15 the NEXT day with her 21 year old boyfriend... She and her friends managed to finish bottles of hard liquor in my house, smoking and just ignoring the maid who is really trying to keep order in the house. She is forever scratching in my bathroom and bedroom to the extent that I have to lock away my toiletries, socks, etc.

The 12 year old has been caught at school with a bottle of Tequila and a bottle of Snapps. She has kicked a boy in the groin so badly that he had to be taken to a doctor. She lies about EVERYTHING. She cannot control her appetite and will finish a bottle of syrup, honey, cheese spread or Nesquick on her own, in one evening.

We have another three daughters in the house (3, 5 and 7), my wife's and mine and I just feel the example being set in sooo wrong.

They have been for therapy. I have given them the benefit of the doubt so many times but it just feels like my efforts are thrown in my face...

We have tried and tried to make contact with a social worker but have had NO joy. They just never ever call you back.

I do not know what to do anymore. I want them out of my house.

With those ridiculous rules I'm not surprised.

Hi

I know that you are at wits end but perhaps you need to find other rules.

For example your wife's girls are older than the others and unfortunately socializing plays a big role to them at that age. Might a suggest that if they get their grades up or complete a chore (task) well that you allow them the bonus of bring a friend home from school to visit. The condition is that the moment they don't do well that that privilege will be taken away. I agree that the 12 year old's phone should turn her phone of at 8. But may a suggest that the older on be allowed to keep her phone on for an additional half hour, she is the oldest and the result of having the same rules applying to her as the younger ones is a bit unfair. Adapt the rules as they grow up. It shows that you are giving them some more responsibility for their age and some freedom to go with it. Again should something not be done, that take it away (much like grounding) for 2 weeks or so.
Although rules are good they need to adapt to the age of the child.

This may also have something to do with their father. Perhaps something they haven't told you guys. Maybe a psychologist is needed?

The rules are not unreasonable, but they are strict and in some cases more appropriate to the younger children than the older ones. If the girls are not used to rules then it is going to be difficult for them to suddenly adjust to very strict rules, especially when the rule is seemingly arbitrary (bathed and ready for dinner by 6pm?). Their behaviour seems to be classic rebellion against perceived unreasonable authoritarianism. I think it would be appropriate to demonstrate some flexibility and negotiate the rules. It is reasonable to ban hard liquor outright, for example, but I think that a 14 year old should be permitted to choose her own bathtime!

I'm not sure what "horror stories" you refer to, but the apparent abandonment of the girls by their father is enough reason for them both to be receiving counselling, and some of the behavioural issues might relate to these underlying issues. Alcohol problems, for example, are exceptionally prevalent among girls who are subjected to sexual abuse, and these types of issues must be resolved by trained professionals - house rules are not enough.

Having a mixed family myself with a teenage daughter from my wife's previous relationship i can tell you straight up that you in for a rough ride.

Although you rightly feel that because its your house you can unilaterally make the rules, and you can, but including the teenagers in the process of setting the rules will make them feel like they matter and will increase the likelihood of them actually sticking to the rules.
You retain veto rights but this right should be used sparingly and in consultation with your wife.

I am actually going to adopt the after 20:00 cell phone silence during the week but maybe give a little leeway over weekends.

You cannot treat a teenager like a baby by expecting them to be bath by 18:00 in evening - Sure fire recipe for disaster over essentially a non issue.

Also i do not see why they should have no contact with friends in your home at all unless the rule came about because of the drinking and smoking incidents.

Communication as with most things is the key, more so with mixed families as the bond between father and daughter has not developed naturally over the years. You as the father figure need to be composed at ALL times, clearly articulating your stand point...this often requires a ten minute thinking break for yourself. You need to understand what it is you are actually angry about and bring your point across calmly but firmly.

The rules should be enforced strictly with any infraction punished with the removal of privileges ie. removal cellphones,tv time, internet access, etc... but any good behavior such as good grades should also be rewarded with an increase in allowance, bonus, New dress or shoes , little more leeway with regards to rules,they are teenagers so the list is practically endless.

Lastly Because you love your wife you implicitly love these kids as they are an extension of your wife, you cannot deny their existence or wish them away.

I have a tribal council every Monday where immunity is granted for when any member of my family wishes to express their feelings... It could often be painful to hear but it gets easier and it gives an opportunity to address the issues.

Do get help, Continue to search for help...You are on the right track! Goodluck man and HAPPY parenting :)

I have been in a very similar position as you! The difference was I had to handle a 16 year old boy with no support. I wish I could give you advise but I could not even help myself at the time!

Not all step kids are brats and not all step dads are horrible. Unfortunately we life in a world full off divorced people with kids...I am also one. The only difference is that how come things can go so wrong but it is always the parents that are a problem? I was not that strict with my stepson and at the end of the day I was still the wicket step mom...Maybe then it was me?