Me and my wife has been separated now for about a year and three months. She has a son from a previous relationship, and I raised him like my own son since he was 1 year old (he's 8 years old now), however, I did not legally adopt him. We then had a daughter of our own, she is 3 years old. We never had any agreement, nor any arrangement regarding access to the children, and they have been living with me 90% of the time. I am also paying maintenance to my wife in order to pay for my daughter's school, and living expenses - even though the children barely stays with her. I have been a father and somehow trying to be a mother for both our children. It is hard work to look after two young children on your own, but I love every minute of it. I have such a strong relationship with my children. Our divorce hasn't been finalised. She now wants to take the children with her and move up to stay with her mother somewhere in the Limpopo province.

My house has been their primary residence, and now I am being told I can only see them every second weekend - it was such a shock. I can't imagine what my daughter will feel, I know it will affect her. My wife rarely had time for our children, and now wants to take them away from me as if I had looked after them as a favour? My wife has many excuses for not seeing our children, work, being sick, you name it. And I never refused her any access to the children, she could have them any time she liked. I worked hard to keep my life as stable as possible through this, still work at the same company, same house, kids still go to the same school. My wife is at her third job already, and got her first written warning.

I won't be able to afford to fly up from Cape Town, hire a car, and find a place to stay every second weekend just to be with my children. I thus believe this will greatly affect my access and relationship with my children. I am trying to work things out with her regarding this move, as I don't want to hold my wife back from moving on with her life either, but it is as if she is adamant on doing it her way. Have any of you any advice? Maybe a plan that will work for us?

Dappies...

i applaud your efforts to be the best parent you can be, i did (am doing) the same. i have stable job for 9 years in a jse listed co., drove my son up and down, attended all concerts (mother wasnt there!), paid for everything, enrolled my son in school on my own, went to all meetings whilst she was out finding a husband. ex-wife doesnt work and yet demands to be primary caregiver. i eventually lost the battle with a sloppy family advocate and an easily persuaded psychologist, all of which i paid for so as to assure my son the stable life he deserves, all whilst not having any issue about contact with his mother.

i now am forced legally to agree on how much to pay her cos she's broke and blacklisted and has primary caregiver status.

Newbie's post above is a no-brainer, a 1 yr old doesnt need the stability of a single home for school clothes, transport to school, homework and routine. it matters that the child is in 1 home when they get to Gr 1 age...

access is one thing, caregiver status is another...

my advice, do what you can so that one day your child will know the truth. stay in touch no matter where you are. dont be a bankrupt dad trying to do your utmost to get them to live with you now. if they continue to know you, even if by phone everyday, then you will be close... eventually.

all good and bad will come out in the wash. have faith in God and do your best...

p.s. Father's arent always seen to be equal, so dont bet your bottom dollar on it - or the house for that matter - your child will thank you when you can do something important like pay for an education for them, and their mother cant...

Keep strong...

Some good advice here. If I could add: Do keep records of what is happening, including paperwork. You just don't know what's going to happen, and if you'll need some evidence of your efforts as a dad. All the best- I hope you all reach an arrangement which is best for everyone concerned.